Friday, September 28, 2012

Glasses...!

I am currently doing the home trial from a company called Warby Parker.  I have five days to try them on and then send them back prepaid! Pretty cool huh? 

Let me know what you think!  The last picture I realized you could look in the mirror at the back of my phone and see the picture :)






Julie

Thursday, September 27, 2012

"Don't Take INFERTILITY Personally"

When I first heard "Don't take infertility personally" I immediately wanted to slap the person that said it.  (It was my therapist...)  So many thoughts went through my head..."what?, how is that even possible, why would I want to think that way?"  Infertility is sooooo personal, it is happening to me, right now, I am going through this, I am suffering.  I have to deal with the loss.  How can I not dwell on the "why is this happening to me?" "what did I do to deserve this?" etc...etc...etc...

That is when it hit me...what IF I didn't take infertility personally?  How would I feel?  How would that change the way I thought about it.  It really got me thinking!  (Thank goodness I didn't slap the poor lady!)  She wasn't saying it to be ignorant or to try and tell me how to feel about it, but just to get me thinking.  If I didn't take infertility personally how would that change me?  Could I be happier?  How would I feel differently?

Infertility is a disease, nobody deserves to get it.  Spending my time trying to figure out why it is happening to me or dwelling on ignorant things people say isn't going to make me happy.  What if I took the time I was dwelling on those things and instead spent it on things that do make me happy?  Wait...there are still things that make me happy right?

Now I know this might sound like crazy talk or you actually may want to slap me, but here is an example . . .

You just got your period after your second IUI, the world is collapsing all around you right?  You wipe your tears and slap on some makeup because you have to attend your husband's cousins wedding reception that evening.  You look like hell, but you don't care because you are going to drink yourself silly anyways.  You show up at the reception and the first thing that happens when you show up is you bump into your husband third cousin who smiles and rubs her gigantic pregnant belly.  You want to cry, you want to die...why oh why her and not me? You start to fall apart...

FREEZE

Okay...you are doing it!  You are taking infertility personally.  It isn't her fault you are infertile, she didn't get pregnant to spite you.  Now you could run to the bathroom, cry yourself silly and go on to drink the night away until you are a mess on the floor.  (Pretty sure I have done that at some point.)  OR you can think about how this whole thing works.  How can I take this situation and use it to make me happy?  Is that possible?  Could I think about my future and how happy I will be walking around weddings bumping into people when I am gigantic pregnant?  Seriously that is a question, is it possible to think that way?

Anyways, I'm going to give it a try.  I'm going to try and turn the situations that set me off (pregnancy announcements, unexpected preggos at the store, stupid ignorant comments) and figure out how I can turn them into something that makes me happy.  Wish me luck because I am pretty sure this is impossible, but it may just help me get through another 2WW without losing it or a family reunion without punching someone.

Julie

Friday, September 21, 2012

Mobile Update - Lap Results

Wednesday I had my laparoscopic surgery in Madison at Merriter hospital.  I was so nervous about it all week!  Anyways the nurses were wonderful and my doctor was so great.  When they took me into the operating room she was there and took my hand and held it the entire time they prepped me for surgery.  She told me they were going to use Dr. Robot to help with the surgery which was a good thing!

I was chatting about scary movies with the nurses when I felt a pinch in my IV...the anesthesia...and a short while later I was out!  I woke up in recovery and felt so tired still under the grip of the anesthesia and don't remember much.  Then I got back to my room to get the news second hand from the dear Mr...  and it went something like this...ummmm...it was mild... and they removed scar tissue and a clump of something from your bladder...wait...not your bladder but from somewhere...???  Then he showed me the pictures which I got to keep.

The next day I spoke with the doctor directly.  I had mild endo and scar tissue near my ovary and a few other places removed and a small clump of possible uterine tissue on my bowel (not my bladder).  She told me just removing the endo alone changed our pregnancy chances from about 18% to 32%!  In my mind this was the best possible outcome, which was finding something to give us a reason for infertility but not finding somethinh so bad we wouldn't have a chance.  So in an effort to show my healing progress and the actual marks from surgery here is my original picture after surgery and one from today.  I have restored hope that we are one step closer to becoming parents and the motivation to keep pushing forward.  Thank you for all the support the past couple days from family and friends.

Julie



Tuesday, September 18, 2012

What a Great Weekend...Now back to Reality!

My Weekend in Pictures

Thursday night we made a fabulous taco dinner complete with Jarritos to drink!

Off to watch the heated Packers vs. Bears game in our own private lounge.

My first pair of Toms!!! Bought at Shoo in Madison on State Street.

A quick group photo by the Mendota Lakefront Terrace.

Nothing says Wisconsin like a big campfire complete with beer, brats and smores!

Off on Saturday to the New Glarus Brewery for a tour and sampling...yummy!

The tour was self guided...

Here is out front of the brewery.  Notice all our fun colored pants! :)

Our farewell dinner and a few games of Rummy, followed by a movie at home.
If you didn't read my previous entry I had a few visitors this weekend, and if you couldn't tell by the pictures we had a fabulous time.  We jam packed the entire weekend with "Wisconsin" filled activities and had a nice relaxing Saturday night.  It was just what I needed leading up to this hectic week.  As I have mentioned before, tomorrow I have my laparoscopy surgery which is basically checking for endometriosis.  If it is found the doctor will also try to remove it right away.  I'm extremely anxious about it.  After tomorrow we could potentially no longer be UNEXPLAINED.  After today I have the rest of the week off to recover.  Wish me luck!

Julie

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Preparing for Next Weeks Laparoscopy...Eeks! ...and more test results!

Hello Everyone,

I wanted to give you a quick IF update...brought to you in part by my "obnoxious" seemingly perfect thus far uterus.  I went in for my pre-op appointment not quite sure what to expect.  She did a routine physical and after feeling my neck (thyroid) area mentioned it seemed enlarged.  She checked my charts and said it had been awhile since I had my TSH and Prolactin levels checked (probably since May 2011 when I first started seeing the OB for IF).  So I didn't make it through an appointment without drawing blood, BUT this was the first appointment in awhile I got to keep my undies on...(he he!)  Its the small things I tell you!

Anyways, in addition to that I had to wait a day for my results (no worries I will tell you what they are if you keep reading, but you will love the suspense), and I found out I have to do a gallon (which I will refer to as the gallon challenge) of Golytely, you know the gallon of stuff you have to drink before you get a colonoscopy and spend a delightful evening within a step of the toilet.
Source WebMD
She said this is a precaution in case I have any scar tissue on my intestines/digestive organs so they can take care of it right away and not have to close me up and go through this again.  They will also do another HSG - to double check my tubes only I will be knocked out this time.  Thank goodness because this was a fairly painful thing the first time around.  It could be anywhere from a few days to a few weeks for recovery.





I got the results of my TSH and Prolactin today:

TSH: 1.588 mlU/ml
Prolactin 15.9 ng/ml

These both fall under perfectly healthy normal levels...takes a bow.  Did I ever mention I hate you UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY!!!  Now don't get me wrong, I am extremely happy for my overall health, but after almost 3 years I am ready for some answers.  Hopefully this surgery will give me the answers I need to move forward.

Okay back to the positive side of things...I  have 3 very special visitors coming to see me this week and we have a ton of fun things planned.  I'm ready to show them a "Wisconsin Good Time"!

Julie




Thursday, September 6, 2012

Another Before and After V.2012

Okay so this is kind of a subtle change, but I am gearing up for fall and I like to go a little darker.  Here is my before and after shots.  Thanks John Freida!!! :)


Here is the AFTER:


Are those teal jeans you ask?  Oh yes they are!  Is that an original Little Mermaid Towel?  Yes it is!!  Happy Thursday Everyone!

Julie

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Less Stress September - Who was I kidding?

A few posts ago I had made a promise to post my 5 things I was going to do to make September less stressful and get me through the weeks until my surgery.  I did it all, bought a cute little journal.  Wrote down my 5 things to "focus on" and thus far it has been a big FAIL!  I don't have it with me to even share my 5 things...sorry!

The month started off great with a wonderful Labor Day weekend up north.  It was so nice to get away and relax.  Then come Tuesday, back to work and back to the stress!  I came home last night to an "explanation of benefits" (oh no!) from my insurance company saying they ARE NOT going to cover my AMH testing and that I will owe over $450 just for the lab work!  Ugh!  It makes me so sick.  I will of course try and fight it and figure out why they are now saying they won't cover it, but can't anything be easy anymore?

Even when I am not awake stressing about everything I am stressing in my sleep.  Last night I had this insane dream that:

My therapist was going to live with me because she wanted to keep an eye on me.  It was so bad she said she wanted to be in the bathroom when I was showering. So I was getting ready to shower and all of a sudden I was being attacked by all these women who told me they knew my story and had the solution for me.  They held me down and injected me with this needle and said it was an anti-anxiety medication.  Suddenly I just felt worse.  

Then I woke up with my heart racing and feeling even more "real life" miserable.  Any dream interpreters out there know what this means?

I know things could be worse, way worse, but honestly life is hard enough without dealing with infertility.  Thinking about October makes me sick because it will bring about the official 3 years we have been at this thing they call TTC.  I'm starting to think BFP's don't actually exist.  I've never seen one.  All the waiting for this surgery has been really hard on me.  I'm not good at waiting for things the way it is, but something this big and important is just making me lose my mind.

Okay Julie enough ranting for the day...!  I'm going to bring it back and try to end this one with a positive swing.  I have 2 exciting weekends planned the next two weeks.  This weekend we have a family get together at my parent's house complete with a bonfire and chance to wow everyone with my guitar skills (LOL) and Saturday a wine tasting with my wonderful cousin!  Then next weekend I have 3 amazing friends coming to visit me from out of state.  These girls honestly mean the world to me and we have all been travel buddies for the past few years!!!  We had planned to take a trip to NY this fall and when all this stuff came up with all my IF treatments and then my surgery they gladly (and enthusiastically) agreed to come to visit me instead.  (I did promise them CHEESE and BEER.)  Then the week after is my laparoscopy.

Hopefully some fun posts to follow the next couple of weeks.

Julie

PS. I wanted to give a shout out to my friend Amber who is on the brink of welcoming her twins into the world after struggling many years with IF herself.  Good luck and thank you for always continuing to give me hope that my dreams will also come true someday!