The Fertile Infertile: Living A Double Life

It happened...

I don't even remember where I was or who said it, but someone called me a "Fertile Myrtle".  No big deal right!?  In May I will have 2 children under the age of 2, so to the common person it seems as though it must be super easy for me to get knocked up!  It was so shocking to me to not only hear it, but to actually wonder...what am I?  Am I a Fertile Myrtle?  Am I still considered infertile?  I don't know where I belong.  Is there some place where people in my situation warp to when we no longer fit into the category of being infertile, but still not completely a normal fertile person?  

I wonder if maybe I am just that person that you hear about...you know, your friends co-worker who went through 4 years of infertility before getting pregnant through IVF and then just magically got pregnant again after?  Oh shit!  I am that person!  I hate that person!

I know that I can still identify with someone experiencing infertility, but no longer live in the immediate pain of the unknown.  My story is resolved, my family has begun.  At times remembering infertility is like a horrible nightmare that couldn't have really happened.  There was no way that life could have been that cruel, but it was real.  I have the physical scars to prove it.  I have this blog to remind me what I went through and how I felt.  I remember the countless nights laying in bed crying myself to sleep and wondering how I would be able to get out of bed the next day.  I remember waiting each month only to be disappointed by the reality of another failed cycle.  Last but not least I have my absolutely beautiful amazing son conceived through ICSI IVF, my tangible proof that I battled infertility and I won.  

I am not fertile or infertile.  I will not let those terms define who I am.

Julie

Beta Day

The results are in:

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Beta is 112.5!  I'm pregnant!  OMG!!! I want to say it again...I'm pregnant!  I made it to the office about half an hour early and they got me in right away.  My sister-in-law came along with me and we went from nervous to excited the whole way there.  I was really split 50/50 on whether I thought it would be positive or negative.  I really didn't have a strong feeling either way.  So they drew the blood and we set off to Chilis for a little lunch while we waited.  Just as we finished up and started walking out the door my phone started ringing.  It was my nurse Kayla and she asked if I was driving...I said no, then are you sitting?...NO ...oh well you are pregnant!!!  Kendall and I screamed like 13 year old girls in the Chilis parking lot.  Then we headed back to the clinic to pick up a few more syringes and give my doctor a big hug.  So my next appointment will be at 7 weeks for our first ultra sound!  (no second beta).  I am still in shock and can't thank you all enough for all the prayers and thoughtfulness these past few YEARS!  I can't say thank you enough.

Last thing I need to ask is that we keep this information on my blog only.  While we are extremely excited we would still like to keep it as private as possible from the facebook world until we are past the first trimester.  Off to go lose my mind!!!

Julie

9dp5dt - Beta Eve

First let's begin by talking about the amazing weekend.  As I had mentioned, my birthday was on Saturday and I turned 29.  I had a theme party that attendees had to dress like Celebrities Born in the Month of March.

We had so much fun.  I laid down the "red carpet" and put up a back drop for photos.  The pups did a test run photo shoot:

The guests show up (family and friends) and we were able to get a group shot!

Starting in the back row: Russell Brand, Princess Eugenie, Perez Hilton, Heinze Ward, Adam Levine,  Fabio
Front Row: Ke$ha, Elle Woods, Willie Roberson, My Cousin Ezra (can't remember who he was dressed up as, and Ke$ha

Missing from the group photo:

Flava Flav and Bobby Jones

Here are our costumes:  Princess Eugenie and Perez Hilton (maroon pants are mine :)

Tomorrow is the big day.  Beta day.  I'm nervous and excited. My sister-in-law will be coming along with me and more than likely with me when I get the news.  I've tried to make peace and know that what ever the result is what was meant to be, but I know I will have a very strong reaction either way.  The appointment is at 11:00.  This is also my last week of work.  I'm extremely excited to start my new job next week, but also nervous.  Please keep me in your prayers as tomorrow is a huge day for me.  I will need strength to accept whatever the result is and move forward with my life from there.

Julie

5-6dp5dt - The day I fell apart and then put myself back together

As you may have noticed I didn't post yesterday and here is why.  I have been feeling so good and confident about all this that I decided...why not take a home pregnancy test (HPT)- it is early, but that way if I got an early positive I can be overjoyed and if not I will know the trigger is gone.  Good thought Julie....NOT.  After getting up and peeing in my little cup and drip drip drip my urine in a cheapie HPT...big bright test line and then nothing.  Stark white.  I lost my mind!  While I knew it isn't "over", I got a sense of reality of how it might feel if this DOESN'T work.  I cried, and cried...then I cried some more.  It was horrible.  Dick tried to console me, but nothing could bring me back from the horror of realization I had created for myself.

So I called in to work, I called the nurse and she was amazing!  First I was scolded...(for the second time of the day) and then she built me back up.  Told me it was way too early and that if they got a lot of positives on day 5 they would have everyone in the clinic coming in to test.  She told me I needed to plan at least 3 fun things and they had to be things that would make me laugh.  So that is exactly what I did!  My Aunt (Mom's Sister) is visiting from WA and I thought I would give her a call and go visit my hometown (I live only about 1/2 an hour away).  She was at my Grandma's house and my other Aunt was there as well.  My Grandma's 85th birthday is on March 25th!  We were almost birthday buddies and she has her party this weekend as well so she was trying on her outfit for the party.

Now my Grandma is a good sport and since we all needed a laugh I thought I could bring along a fun accessory for her to try on with her outfit.  So I did.  I brought my hat for my costume this weekend.

I thought she looks like Queen Elizabeth!  So we laughed and laughed and my spirits were lifted and I had a great venting session with my grandma, and two aunts.  It was wonderful.  The rest of the day I started feeling my confidence being restored and now here we sit 6dp5dt and over halfway to beta day.  All the HPT's in my home are gone and buying more is now considered an illegal act by my husband (the man who 2x daily shoves a big needle in my rump so I better listen).   I work 1/2 a day today and then this afternoon will be spent preparing for the big party tomorrow!  (CLEANING).  I can't wait to share fun pictures from the weekend!

Julie

4dp5dt - 6 days until BETA Day

Almost halfway there to beta day!  More symptoms to report...last night I started noticing foot cramps in my arches, I'm still feeling like I need to eat constantly or my tummy gets weird feeling, my nips kind of feel like they are sunburned (though obviously they are not), I get little cramps and twinges which are clearly coming straight from my uterus (now that I have an exact idea of where it is from all those ultrasounds) and I've been crying more (though this may be from all the hormones I am pumping in my body or due to coming cold turkey off my anti-anxiety pills).  The shitty thing about early pregnancy symptoms is that they are basically the same as PMS symptoms.  Oh I can't forget about my eye twitch...stressed out much???

6 days until beta day
? days until I break down and POAS (pee on a stick)

Let's have some fun with daily horoscopes:
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Taken from: Free Will Astrology

Aries (March 21-April 19) "Nourish beginnings, let us nourish beginnings," says poet Muriel Rukeyser in her poem "Elegy in Joy." "Not all things are blessed," she continues, "but the seeds of all things are blessed.  The blessing is in the seed."  I urge you to adopt this perspective in the coming weeks, Aries.  Be extra sweet and tender and reverent toward anything that is just sprouting, toward anything that is awakening, toward anything that invokes the sacredness of right now.
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Seriously this is the first one I looked at.  Are you kidding me?  The blessing is in the seed...!!!

Okay that settles it, I am pregnant right now, it hasn't been proven otherwise.  I need to enjoy this!

Julie

3dp5dt - The Secret to Removing Pain from Injection Sites

SNEEZE and throw out your back.  Damnit!!!  (I don't actually recommend this) My injections sites hurt far less with my back hurting so bad.  What is wrong with me!  I woke up feeling pretty good.  Very little bloating, cramping has become minimal and what do I do?  I go and sneeze and hurt my back.  Ugh!

Okay guys, just 7 days left until Beta Day (Here using BD is not a appropriate because that is already abbreviated to mean Baby Dance or having sex).  The good news is I have a lot to look forward to this weekend (if I can make it through the work week).  My birthday is on Saturday and I am having a "Celebrities Born in March" party!  All the guest are asked to come dressed as a celebrity or famous person who was born in the month of March as that person, or one of their characters from a movie.  My decorations include a red carpet, cut out stars and one of those things that you snap and say  "ACTION"!  Thus far I hear Fabio, Elle Woods from Legally Blonde, Ke$ha, Perez Hilton and other guest appearances will be made.

 I will be going as Princess Eugenie -

You may remember her from the Royal Wedding (in blue):

Here is a little sneak preview:

Trust me, there will be plenty of pictures from the red carpet! :)  Not much else for the day.

Julie

Back and Open to the Public - 2dp5dt

Hi Everyone,

I have been hiding the past few weeks, month??!  I can now open up my blog again to the public.  I officially have given my two week notice at work and now I feel more comfortable opening this back up.  If you haven't checked in awhile a lot has happened in the past month!  Feel free to check my past posts and get caught up!

Julie

1DP5DT + More!

We are 1DP5DT - or 1 day past 5 day transfer.  I have been feeling extremely tired again!  Right now we are in the phase where the blastocysts should be breaking out of their shells and implanting.  I have been feeling mild cramping since yesterday and hoping it is a good sign.  I got a call this morning that we have 5 more frosties, so 7 in total!

Tomorrow is another big day.  I will be putting in my two week notice at work.  I'm nervous, but excited about the future.  Change is always scary, but I know this will lead to a better future for our family.  Not much else to write about today.  Just getting this post in between naps! :)

9 days left to wait!  Happy St. Pattie's Day to all!!

Julie

Transfer Day - Start of Symptom Watch 2013

Yippee!  Everything went perfectly!  I had four expanded  blastocysts today and possibly more on the way.  So as for now we put two in and two on ice!  Here are my little "blastobabies" A & B:

Now we wait 10 days.  Oy yoy yoy!  Nestle in little guys and make yourself at home.  We have offically started Symptom Watch 2013.  I'll keep you posted :).

Julie

4th Day Post Retrieval - Transfer Eve

Happy Friday!  Today I am feeling so much better.  I focused on eating my salt and protein yesterday and I really think it helped.  I got up to go to the bathroom 4x last night so I think I may have been emptying out some of the liquid I had been retaining.  Unfortunately my buns are still extremely sore from the PIO.  I am going to have my injection sites checked tomorrow to make sure we are doing everything right.  Before I get tomorrow, I need to tell you about today!  I had a nice little Friday and really wanted to focus on a craft project for my niece Amelia.  I used my new tote making skills and created this:

I had so much fun spending the afternoon with my sister-in-law and it really helped ease my mind and relax before my big day tomorrow....TRANSFER DAY!  I got the call today that we will have 10 Grade 1 Embryos going strong.  We go in tomorrow and need to arrive by 7:00, we confirm the number of embryos to be "put in" and I pop a Valium and a 1/2 hour later I am technically PREGNANT - or as I have heard on other blogs PUPO - Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  I'm so excited and nervous!  All I can do now is relax and stay positive.

Julie

3 Days Post Retrieval

Let the count down begin!  1-1/2 more days until transfer, 11-1/2 more days until beta.  I'm getting pretty anxious!  The bad news is I still kind of feel like crap (bloated, tired, pain from injections) but the good news is I have tomorrow off to relax and prepare.

So I have more good news to share.  Today I got the report ***14 - Grade 1 Embryos!***  The late bloomers caught up and are looking great.  Here is a little visual for you to see what this looks like on a day to day basis:

Source http://waywardstork.blogspot.com/2008/11/day-3-embryo-report.html 

The grading system is a way of describing the quality of the embryo development.  This is better explained here.  That is all I really have for you today.  Transfer will be on Saturday at 7:30 AM.  I will get another update tomorrow.

Julie

2 Days Post Retrieval

Things are starting to get a bit uncomfortable.   My "cheekers" are getting sore from the daily shots and I am still feeling really bloated.  It is starting to become more difficult to take deep breaths.  If I am not feeling better by tomorrow I will probably go in to get checked out.  Hopefully everything is okay, but better safe than sorry!  More salt and more protein!

On the other hand my embabies are doing amazing!  As a matter of fact there are MORE!  You heard that right we went from 11 yesterday which are still thriving today and doing wonderful to 14!!!  The IVF coordinator said not to get too excited about the late bloomers, but hey up is better than down right!  I'm thrilled at the fact that the 11 from yesterday are looking strong!

Thanks for sticking with me everyone.  Things are getting very exciting as we approach transfer day (Saturday) and then you are going to have to bear with me through the TWW (two week wait) as I will be evaluating every pinch, twinge, cramp, etc.  We've made it this far...no looking back!

Julie

1 Day Post Retrieval

Deep breath.  I have been so anxious all day.  Thank goodness I finally got the call at 2:00.  Here is your mathematical equation for today:

17 eggs retrieved - 5 (not mature) + 12 of 309.4 (million sperm / of which were 87% motile) = 

11 growing embryos!!! 

I am so happy right now.  I can finally relax a little bit and enjoy the ride.  The realization hit us last night, there is nothing more that we can do except take my shots and pills religiously and leave things in God's hands.  The PIO (progesterone in oil) has been my biggest enemy.  It isn't so bad going in or even during, but I am already bruised really bad and it is only going to get worse.  I feel like I bump that spot so frequently, getting into the car, sitting down, pretty much anything that involves sitting.  I got some good advice from a friend and IVF veteran on how to help with making it just a little bit easier including ice before and heat after.  

I also have a little of it spew back out after we remove the needle, but the nurse told me that is normal.  It is so funny because the Mr. thinks if it touches him he will grow breasts. LOL!  I didn't help by egging him on that he is probably right.

Anyways, that is the update.  Transfer will be a day 5 transfer on Saturday.  I will get an update each day on how they are doing.  Here is more basic information for your reading pleasure about what is going on with my embabies right now.  From the Wisconsin Fertility Institute Website:

When a healthy embryo is created, it grows at a fairly predictable rate. The day after sperm and eggs are mixed, the embryo generally is a single cell; it then divides and grows to approximately 6-8 cells by day 3 following egg retrieval. The growth continues, and by day 4 there are dozens of cells in a ball, called a morula. By day 5, the best embryos are greater than 100 cells and have a fluid filled space within their structure; this is called a blastocyst. For some slower growing embryos, this stage is not reached until day 6 following egg retrieval.

That is all for now!  Fingers crossed that they all keep growing!

Julie

Medicated CD12 - Patience..ahhhhhhh

Deep breath...one more day of stims (fingers crossed) still not quite there yet and we want to be sure everything is perfect.

Prog. .54
Estradiol 2,374.8

Follies are still growing, but we are able to let a few more of them grow since all my levels are steady.   Next U/S 8:30 tomorrow.  Hopefully then trigger tomorrow night and retrieval Monday.  Oh please let it be Monday!!!  I took today off from work and I am loving it!

Julie

Side note:  Notice anything interesting about the pills below? They are the same medication just two different generic versions of Estrace since the pharmacy didn't have enough to fill my gigantic perscription.  Hmmmm blue AND pink :) :)  Just sayin'!

Medicated CD11 - Getting SOOOO Close

Hello All,

I was feeling a bit grumpy this morning because the Mr. didn't come along to my appointment like he said he was going to, but everything worked out okay so I really just need to get over it.  We are getting so close, but at the same time things are moving at a nice pace.  I really don't want to go too fast and end up having my ovaries freak out and ovulate or over stimulate so things are good, very good!

So here you can see how my follicles are looking, obviously L1 - L10 is left ovary, R1-R10 is right.  I was told they will aspirate all the follicles no matter what size, but what we will be looking for is the mature eggs.  The likelihood of a mature egg increases with the larger size of the follicle.  As far as my blood work:

Estrogen 2,533.3
Progesterone .55

What does this mean you ask?

Another night of stims and another appointment tomorrow.  My best guess is that tomorrow will be trigger and Sunday retrieval!!

Buckle up folks, things are getting for reals real soon here!

Julie

Medicated CD10 - More of my Lady Parts

So I had another u/s monitoring and blood work today.  Things are coming along, but I will have to go back on tomorrow for more monitoring.  Estimated retrieval is now pushed to Sun-Tuesday time frame.  Today I had the nurse practitioner do my u/s and she gave me an entire thumb drive with pictures from today's us to share with you!

Here are the results:

L: 6 > 11mm and 10+ smaller
R: 4 > 12mm and 20 smaller

Estrogen:  2,180.50
Progesterone: 0.60

Here is more than you ever would care to see of my uterus and ovaries:

Triple Stripe Whooo!  That is good even though I'm not totally clear on what this means other than it is GOOD!

Lots of follies...

Measuring them one at a time.

Oh NO! Fluid...doctor said not to worry it is outside the uterus!

Zoinks that is a big one!

Hoping for a lot of little eggies in there...

My St. Patties Day follie formation.  Its a 4 leaf clover!

I hope you enjoyed this presentation of my innards!  I think it is really cool to see :).  I was supposed to come in Friday for my next, but after the blood work they wanted to see me tomorrow again.

Julie

Medicated CD9 - Hit by the fertility drug bus!

Hello All!  So yesterday I didn't write because I am pretty sure I was hit by the fertility drug bus.  I couldn't keep my eyes open, I went home from work, I was exhausted.  I came home, laid on the couch and napped/(watched TV) all afternoon.  It was amazing and I felt revitalized.  I think the changing of meds. (and the ridiculous number of follies I've got going) had  a lot to do with it.  Today I feel a TON better.  Today's video:

I'm sorry...I just had to.  LOL.  It is kind of how I feel right now.   No other updates than yesterday I had a ton of liquid coming out of my lady parts.  It wasn't really a cervical mucus, but just liquid.  Here is what doc had to say:

when your estrogen levels get very high, the blood vessels in the vagina dilate and can add extra fluid to the system, the cervical glands also secrete more fluid and this can show up in the vaginal secretions.  It is probably fine, and we will get a chance to look at the uterus and cervix at the ultrasound, so no worries.

Good to know!  It has since slowed down.  Other than that I feel pretty good today.  The Ganarelix shot went much better today than yesterday, it still burned, but wasn't as bad.  Next appointment is tomorrow at 10:00.  I'm hoping we will get an idea as to when we will do retrieval.  Eeeeeeeeeee!

Julie

Medicated CD7 - Party On My Ovaries

Today's song of the day: Parking Lot Party!  Only because I feel like there is a party going on on my ovaries!  I'd like to picture all those follicles tailgating.  LOL!

What do you think?

I think that is my left ovary.  See all those shadows?  Those are my follies!  You can't see all of them, but I had 22 on my left and 23 on my right.  No screwing around here!  My lining looks great according to the doctor and he said, in fact if there was a gold metal for growing lining and follicles I would win it.  My estradiol was at 880.4 and progesterone at .55 (should be under 1) so everything is looking really good!  I couldn't be happier!

Next steps: stopping Menopur and upping follistim to 175.  Each morning I also need to start giving myself Ganirelix which will basically suppress my ovaries and keeping them from ovulating before we are ready.  Then my next appointment will be on Wednesday for another U/S and blood draw.  There is a large bruise forming on my arm and two on my belly from the injection sites and blood draws.  However, I am still feeling really good!  In fact, this was me yesterday (in pink):

I went cross country skiing for the first time in a very long time.  It was so much fun.  My legs and upper body are a little sore today, but other than that I hope I will be able to go again before the end of the snow.

Other big news...I've made a decision on the job offer and will be doing outside sales!  I will give my notice mid-March and begin April 1st.  I'm guessing I'll have to use COBRA in the meantime, but it will all be worth it!  I was talking to Dick about baby names on the way to our appointment this morning.  I have a boy and a girl name.  I guess I better start coming up with two of each just in case!  Okay...lots of optimism in the air and getting so close!

Julie

Medicated CD5 and So Tired

I seriously can't stop yawning.  I've cut back to only one cup of coffee a day.  I had the mid afternoon head ache yesterday to prove it.  Growing so many little eggies is a lot of work! :)  On a happier note I don't feel as bloated today.  I could be doing retrieval as early as next Friday (more likely Saturday or Sunday) as long as everything stays growing at a good pace.

Okay song for the day:

No reason other than it is kind of a fun peppy song and I need to cheer up a little bit for the weekend.  I was Mrs. Grump yesterday.  Also I am working on learning this song on my guitar!

Our furniture was in and Dick and my dad went and picked it up. I LOVE it!!!  I will take a picture, but I have to do it during the day to get decent lighting.  Nothing too exciting for the weekend, probably sticking around home and hopefully going x-country skiing tomorrow!

That's all!  Hope you have a great weekend!

Julie

Medicated CD4 Monitoring

Thank you for today's video Ludacris...LOL

I felt a little road rage in rush hour traffic on the way to my 7:45 appointment this morning.  Maybe some hormones are starting to kick in?  I am already started to feel bloated.  So anyways...the appointment.  It went well.  I think!?  I saw the results online Estradiol 192, Progesterone .45.  I got the results but no feedback??  I have a call and a message into the nurse.  I think they told me no news is good news so I have no choice but to go with that and continue as I have been.

The nurse counted 20 follicles on my L and 22 on my right.  This number will be going down and a certain number will start to grow as others back off.  This is right where I should be.  She told me the Estradiol should be higher than last appointment, but under 500.  Good there.  So I am happy, bloated, but happy.

In other news items, I decided on which job I want!  Now I have to decide which of the 3 compensation programs I want to take.  I don't want to get to specific about this job until I have given formal notice at work.  So hang tight and in a couple weeks I will spill the details.  My next appointment is Sunday morning!

Julie