The Fertile Infertile: Living A Double Life

It happened...

I don't even remember where I was or who said it, but someone called me a "Fertile Myrtle".  No big deal right!?  In May I will have 2 children under the age of 2, so to the common person it seems as though it must be super easy for me to get knocked up!  It was so shocking to me to not only hear it, but to actually wonder...what am I?  Am I a Fertile Myrtle?  Am I still considered infertile?  I don't know where I belong.  Is there some place where people in my situation warp to when we no longer fit into the category of being infertile, but still not completely a normal fertile person?  

I wonder if maybe I am just that person that you hear about...you know, your friends co-worker who went through 4 years of infertility before getting pregnant through IVF and then just magically got pregnant again after?  Oh shit!  I am that person!  I hate that person!

I know that I can still identify with someone experiencing infertility, but no longer live in the immediate pain of the unknown.  My story is resolved, my family has begun.  At times remembering infertility is like a horrible nightmare that couldn't have really happened.  There was no way that life could have been that cruel, but it was real.  I have the physical scars to prove it.  I have this blog to remind me what I went through and how I felt.  I remember the countless nights laying in bed crying myself to sleep and wondering how I would be able to get out of bed the next day.  I remember waiting each month only to be disappointed by the reality of another failed cycle.  Last but not least I have my absolutely beautiful amazing son conceived through ICSI IVF, my tangible proof that I battled infertility and I won.  

I am not fertile or infertile.  I will not let those terms define who I am.

Julie

Christian Grey Did My U/S This Morning!

Oh what a day to have my U/S!  Everyone at the doctor's office had dressed up and I had "Christian Grey" do my U/S this morning.  "Oh My!" LOL!  My regular doctor wasn't in yet since it was so early.  It was good luck:

For all you lucky dogs who don't know what this means let me explain.  L1-L5 is my left ovary and the follicles are what are growing that hold the eggs.  The 1 and 2 across the top are the dimensions of the follicle and the mean is the size.  So you would read this that I have 3 follicles on my left ovary and 2 on the right. Yes indeed, FIVE FOLLICLES!  The size when they are good to go for ovulation is around 18+ so "Christian" told me I should have 3-4 ready to go by time I trigger on Friday night.  Then I have my IUI on Sunday morning.  Since it is taking place in November I will lovingly refer to the IUI moving forward as "getting basted" in honor of Thanksgiving.  :)  The most follicles ready to go in the past has been 3.  I have been extremely crampy the past week or so and knew something had to be going on in there.  This is great news!

I have also made the decision that this will be my last "basting" either way.  Hopefully I will be pregnant and not have to worry about it or we will move on to more aggressive treatment in 2013.  Please keep me in your prayers and hope lucky #3 is it!

Julie

Mobile Update - Lap Results

Wednesday I had my laparoscopic surgery in Madison at Merriter hospital.  I was so nervous about it all week!  Anyways the nurses were wonderful and my doctor was so great.  When they took me into the operating room she was there and took my hand and held it the entire time they prepped me for surgery.  She told me they were going to use Dr. Robot to help with the surgery which was a good thing!

I was chatting about scary movies with the nurses when I felt a pinch in my IV...the anesthesia...and a short while later I was out!  I woke up in recovery and felt so tired still under the grip of the anesthesia and don't remember much.  Then I got back to my room to get the news second hand from the dear Mr...  and it went something like this...ummmm...it was mild... and they removed scar tissue and a clump of something from your bladder...wait...not your bladder but from somewhere...???  Then he showed me the pictures which I got to keep.

The next day I spoke with the doctor directly.  I had mild endo and scar tissue near my ovary and a few other places removed and a small clump of possible uterine tissue on my bowel (not my bladder).  She told me just removing the endo alone changed our pregnancy chances from about 18% to 32%!  In my mind this was the best possible outcome, which was finding something to give us a reason for infertility but not finding somethinh so bad we wouldn't have a chance.  So in an effort to show my healing progress and the actual marks from surgery here is my original picture after surgery and one from today.  I have restored hope that we are one step closer to becoming parents and the motivation to keep pushing forward.  Thank you for all the support the past couple days from family and friends.

Julie

Oy...my Eggs!

Okay just a little complaining to do today.  It is the final day of pill poppin' and boy am I feeling crampy.  I don't remember feeling this way the last couple times.  It is definitely not ovulation pain (I tested to make sure).  I can only cross my fingers and hope that I am growing some nice big eggies/follicles in there.

Anyone want to guess how many I will have this time?  What a fun game (LOL).

In the past I have had Feb 2012 (L-1 and R-1) and Mar 2012 (L-3 and R-0).

I'm going to be optimistic and go with L-1 and R-2 (right side hurts the most).  Stay tuned!

Julie

Mixed Signs?

Do you look for signs in life?  I'm a big believer in that when I am not all worked up and crazy on hormones.  Now that I am not I have again been looking for signs in life.  Signs that we are on the right path.  Signs that everything will be okay.  Signs that what is meant to be is meant to be.  This weekend I noticed some mixed signals.  My husband and I went down the visit the in-laws (his family).

The first sign I noticed was a beautiful amazing symbol of freedom, independence and strength.  Driving with my sister-in-law from the in-law's farm into town a bald eagle flew up from the ditch as we drove by.  I have never seen one that close up!  It was amazing and gave me the chills. 

Later that even a "not-so-amazing" sign, no I wouldn't even call it a sign.  We went to the casino for a little bit to relax and do a little gambling.  I had been waiting on my favorite slot machine, Wizard of Oz :) and as I go to sit down I see right next to me this 7-8 month pregnant woman, sitting on her boyfriends lap passing back and forth a cigarette.  Are you kidding me!?  Now I'm going to be honest and not say that I am not one to judge because I am in this case, but I couldn't help but get the overwhelming feeling that life sometimes is just not fair.  Why them and not me.  You could really tell how in love they were by how after each push of the button they had to pause and kiss each other, or could it be the short amount of time they had actually been together that they were still doing silly things like sitting on each other's laps in public and kissing every 30 seconds.  Hey, I said I was going to be judgemental didn't I?

Thankfully last night as I was working away in my garden I could again see the beautiful sign of life growing all around me.  The iris and lilacs blooming, my lettuce growing, radish and onion.   I couldn't help but feel energized by the life and growth all around me and let go of my judgements.

What signs do you see in life?

Julie

Another Depressing Milestone

It is so easy to think of all the depressing milestones when you are infertile like how many months/years (32 months) it has been that you have been trying, how old your baby would be if you had conceived when you first started trying (almost 2 years old) (and even more depressing for those who have miscarried) and for me this month's depressing milestone is one year since we began seeking medical treatment for our infertility.

I wish there was something positive to write about, but this has just been on my mind the past few days.  PLEASE someone insert happy thoughts below!

Julie

Has Anyone Tried This?

Although we have taken a break from our standard treatment this month from infertility we are not on an official break.  This month I am going forward with acupunture and an herb called Maternal Herbal.  Has anyone tried this herb while TTC?

I am currently taking this along with my weekly acupuncture appointments.  While this is still expensive it is a large "discount" from the well over $1,000 I spent last month trying the IUI.  I also actually feel normal this month.  The most difficult thing was dealing with the hormones last month and managing my disappointment.  So far I am noticing very little side effects from the herb.  The last time I actually cried was during Grey's Anatomy during an emotional scene... so that is good!  I always cry during that show anyways!  We are currently about 1/2-way through this month.  I had to pull my thermometer back out because I need to know for sure when I do ovulate because that changes the acupuncture protocal.

Tonight I go in again for one last major session before we (hopefully) hit the ovulation mark and we are trying some stims in addition to the normal acupuncture!  I just love how "going all out" in TCM means a little discomfort followed by extreme calm and relaxation vs. traditional medicine which is just an entire month of out of whack hormones and mostly just discomfort.  So that is the update.  I would love to hear if anyone else has tried this herb and if it works I will be suggesting it to everyone!

Tonight is also my very first guitar lesson!  I'm so excited.  All weekend I would take it out of its case just to admire it and strum away and start to feel comfortable holding it!  Wish me luck!

Julie

National Infertility Awareness Week

For those of you who don't already know this week is National Infertility Awareness Week.   This means something different to each one of us.  Some of you only know someone suffering with IF, or others don't know that their loved ones might be struggling with IF.  Of course for us this really hits home because we are struggling with IF directly.

The website has some great ideas on how you can get involved and help.  I just have one wish and that is for everyone to just be more sensitive because you never know what struggles people are going through.  You know that couple that has been married for 3-4 years now and you keep bugging them about when they are going to make you an Auntie, Grandma, etc..please stop!  This topic is so sensitive and some couple are willing to talk about it, but some couples just want to keep it a private matter. 

My husband and I are celebrating our 3rd anniversary tomorrow and I'm sure you can imagine how often we are asked about having children.   Of course it doesn't bother me that much just when people ask, but it is the rude, inappropriate manner in which it is asked or more often the unnecessary advise that is often given along with my response that we are going through fertility treatments.  I know...it is so wonderful that your friend's friend had troubles and all she had to do was just stop trying so hard, or adopt, or whatever magical potion she took and immediately got pregnant.  Unless you talk to this person every single day, odds are that you don't know their whole story.   Also, just because it worked for her doesn't mean it will work for everyone.

Still not sure how to act?  Here is a great article from the Resolve website talking about infertility etiquette.  This is a great resource on what to say or not to say when you are speaking with someone who is dealing with infertility.

Once again we appreciate all the love and support we have been shown in the recent months. 

Julie

I'm doing okay

The past couple of days have been pretty rough, BUT I'm doing okay.  To be honest I never even cried this month.  I can't remember an "end" of a month that I didn't have a good long intense cry which usually last over an hour or more at a time.  Maybe I still will?  I'm not sure.  Up to this point...not a drop.  That isn't saying I haven't been sad and feeling emotional.  Anyways, I have been reading this book called "The Healing Code"...has anyone else ever read this?

I'm still trying to figure it all out and to be honest it sounds a little bit out there, but when I really sit down and start working through things it makes total sense!  The book is all about "healing" the root of all our problems STRESS!  I'm not sure I will ever fully understand it, but it has allowed me to take my mind off being sad and instead I just feel puzzled about the concepts in this book.  One thing I like about the book is that is also incorporates God into the healing so it doesn't go against my beliefs.

I would love to hear from anyone else who has read this book or tried any of the healing codes! 

Who knows....maybe (STRESS + JULIE = INFERTILITY therefore JULIE - STRESS will = lot's and lot's of beautiful babies!!!

Julie

This is getting old...

Well, the gig is up this month.  Once again no baby, I woke up at 5AM this morning to some of the worst cramps I have ever felt.  I knew right away what was going on.   AF is here and another month is over.  I'm so sick and tired of this.  I barely even feel sad right now, more angry.  Are you kidding me?  3 beautiful chances from me, 210 million beautiful chances from him!!!!  On paper we sound like we are probably about the most fertile people to exist on the earth, but we aren't and we don't know why. 

We are taking a break, I am putting the thermometer away and just going to see acu-lady once a week.  I'm also totally over this light exercise crap.  I'm going to start training for a 5K.  That is all for now.  I'm too pissed off and frustrated to write anything else that doesn't include bad language.

Julie

I cracked.

Ugh...I am horrible.  Just horrible.  I couldn't help myself, but to test last night and this morning.  Both big fat ole (-)'s.  I almost had to slap myself, it is really early yet.  I am just so worried that I am going to have some sort of major meltdown (like almost every other month for the past 6 months).  This is getting so hard.  I don't know how much more of it I can stand.

I look at my hubby and my pups and think maybe this is it.  Maybe it will be just us.  That isn't the worst thing is it?  We have a good life no a great life...WHY OH WHY...do I have to have such a strong desire for something I can't have?  I convince myself for about 30 seconds that we would be fine and we could be that rich aunt and uncle that travel the world and give great Christmas gifts, but then a "Pampers" commercial comes on and I start crying my eyes out.  I have been horrible finding comfort in shopping and eating lately and it is starting to show and make me feel miserable.  I feel weak like I can't help it!  I'm not really supposed to be exercising much beyond a fast walk, I can't drink coffee, I can't drink wine...sometimes I feel like all I have is my cooking, gardening and my books.

I'm so ready to get off this roller coaster.

Opposite of Hope?

Okay this is going to be a short post, but last night I told ACU-lady (acupuncturist) that I was really stressed out because I really want this cycle to work, and I couldn't stop obsessing and worrying about getting my hopes up only to have them come crashing down if it doesn't work out.  She said "noooooooooooooo" you have to get your hopes up because the opposite of hope is fear.  Fear can weaken your immune system and just overall make things worse!  Yikes my Qi!!!!!!!!!

So what do you think?  Do you agree?  What is the opposite of hope?

Julie

I cry at night...

Another month goes by and I wonder why,

I know you are stubborn and so am I.

I cry at night when no one is watching,

I bite my lip when people are talking.

I know you so well although you don’t exist,

You are a part of every dream, every goal and every wish.

You’ll have your daddy’s chin but you’ll have my eyes.

You will be tall and beautiful, just the right size.

For you I will never give up and never quit trying,

Alone at night is when I do my crying.

~to my "someday" Baby

Julie

The Perfect Devotion for Today

I get a daily devotion to my email inbox though my church.  This one fit my situation perfectly in regards to dealing with my infertility.  It couldn't have been more perfect timing as I am beginning to near the end of another cycle.  This always causes worry, fear, frustration, doubt and this is just what I needed today.


In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

*Who's In Control?*

Sue was excited to visit New York City; it was her first time to
experience the sights and sounds of the big city. But on arrival, her
expectation for an exciting time was threatened by the taxi ride to the
hotel. The driver seemed determined to demonstrate his skill and daring
in negotiating the traffic congestion. He went careening down streets,
making abrupt turns, nearly sideswiping other cars, and coming to
screeching stops. Sue thought that the trip was going to end in a
cemetery. She was frustrated and afraid because she didn't have control,
and she felt that her life was in unreliable hands.

Experiences like Sue had illustrate our human tendency to want to be in charge of things in our lives.

We are nervous whenever we feel that the
control of our lives is out of our hands. When we are tempted to think
that way, we need to remind ourselves that the LORD of our lives—the one
who is truly in control—is the almighty God and Savior of the world,
Jesus Christ. We can put our full confidence in him knowing that he will
never be reckless in the way that he leads us because he loves us with
an unending, never-failing love. We need to learn to relax in him and
believe that he can handle anything he allows to come into our lives.
Although we need to plan and live responsibly, we are wise to recognize
that our LORD is in complete control. It is his will, not our efforts,
that keeps us alive and secure. It is always wise and safe to place our
full confidence in him!

Prayer:

Lord Jesus, I don’t know not what this day may bring and tomorrow there
are many more unknowns. But I know that you are my almighty, loving God.
Teach me to put my life under your control. Amen.

 

Julie

More Chances for Opportunity or Disappoinment?

Hello there readers!  Today I am fighting with myself because yet another month has come and gone with no sign of baby.  In fact this month my "thing" (I no longer can handle calling it my "friend") showed up four days earlier than last month.  This comes as good news and bad news.  The fact that I used to have between a 35-36 day cycle and now it is more like 30-32, but this month was the exception at 28 days.  That is like...woah...normal!  "Glass half full" says more opportunities to get pregnant, "glass half empty" tells me more sadness and disappointment.  This month marks the two year anniversary of "trying" with no success.

The math says at 28 days that gives us 13 "opportunities" per year while 36 days is more like 10.  At this rate though it feels like just 3 more times per year to be really bummed out.  I can't say 100% why this month was so short, but I did begin using the fertility DVD "Restoring Fertility" this month and based on the reviews, others have said it helps keep your cycle regular.  The month is split up into four sections that follow your cycle very closely.  This not only helps you stay in tune with your body, but also sets your mind with the right attitude at the appropriate time of the month.  The DVD calls this setting your intention.

So...today I struggle, I feel the disappointment and that allows me to mourn the loss of the baby I never had last month and look forward to the opportunity that next month brings.  I realized there is no getting around the rollercoaster infertility brings.  There is always next month.

Julie

Quick Update...don't get your hopes up.

Happy Friday Everyone!  Not that anybody is waiting at the edge of their seats or anything, but I wanted to update you about my doctors appointment on August 31st to discuss our options for..."what next" in my battle (at least that is what it feels like) against infertility.

I asked Dick if he would come along with me and he had the day off so he could come.  We got to the appointment on time, but since they have a new computer system they seemed backed up, not that anybody mentioned that we needed to expect a wait.  So we sat in the waiting room and watched countless 7-8 months along pregnant women bustle in and out.  Oddly none of them looked happy or excited.  This was odd to me.  I guess going to the doctor is never an exciting thing and I don't know their story so maybe I should just shut up.  One that really stuck out in my mind was this had to be 16-18 year old girl who was so pregnant she looked like she was going to fall forward with how small she was and how big her belly was.  She was just strutting around the reception room back and forth between what I assume was her boyfriend and the front desk lady.  The boyfriend did not look at all happy to be there.

Such wonderful blessings these people have been given and not one of them seemed happy about it.  Then again, I shouldn't judge because I don't know their situation, but it is hard not to.  Anyways, the deal is we waited about 45 minutes and finally about the time we were ready to find out what was going on.  They called my name and we went back.  I tried to plead my case about the pills and how moody, bipolar and crazy they made me, but she reasoned with me that everything seemed to be getting on a regular cycle and getting through this will all be worth it.  I had to agree.  Three more months on the pills, the tracking, timing everything out and then we will discuss what we want to do.  She is going to recommend IUI.  I said, I hope we don't need it.  The end.

I am looking forward to a nice weekend away to do a little hunting (opening bow hunting season), spending time with the in-laws, and preparing yet another naive young woman to join the MRS. GOSS club.  (Kate if you are reading this that is only a joke ;)

Julie

REJECTION...isn't always "no" forever

One thing I have learned in my advertising sales career is that even though you get a lot of rejections, those rejections don't always mean no forever.  Most of the time it is more like, NO (not right now), NO (I'm too busy to talk), NO (until I get fired and replaced by someone who will say yes...this is my favorite) or NO (I'm not even the right person to be talking to in the first place.)

With this thought I can compare them to my problems with infertility.  Dealing with the emotions of rejection each month is very much like being told NO on a sales call.  Most of the time with a sales call you hang up, get over it and make the next phone call, but take what you learned from the previous and apply it to the next.  Each NO is one step closer to the next yes.  You can't really control what the person on the other line is going to say much like you can't control when you body decides to get pregnant. 

Okay...where am I going with this?  Over the past 23 months I have learned a lot of things that do not work for me.  I am still in the middle of my 3rd and final month on Letrozole and finally realized that the added stress of the drug messing with my hormones is not for me.  Not only has it not worked up to this point, but in my opinion has made dealing with everything more difficult.  My husband refers to it as the hormone rollercoaster and it has made me do and say some pretty crazy things that I wouldn't normally and for the most part I haven't felt like Julie the past 3 months.  While I am still in this 100% and my feelings haven't changed about what I want, I feel like I need to go about my "treatment" differently.  I have my check-in with the doctor next week and will hopefully be able to discuss some alternative treatments.

In addition I am going to add "Restoring Fertility" which is a Yoga Infertility DVD to my routine.

Your prayers, luck, wishes, good juju are always welcome, until next time "Namaste".


Julie

Decisions...decisions

Warning...this post may contain information that could be considered "TMI"

I am back on the topic of infertility and the time is coming again where I will find out if I need to start buying diapers or decide how to continue on my "treatment" if thats what you want to call it.  I hate that word because it almost makes me feel as though there is something wrong with me or I am not quite right.  August will be my 3rd month of Letrozole and my next doctors visit is August 31st.  I had hoped that I wouldn't need to make a decision like this since the doctor assured me in most cases this is all it usually takes.  I still hope she is right, but maybe I am not usual.

The next step we spoke about at my first doctors appointment was to do IUI.  I am still not sure how I feel about that.  It seems so unnatural.  I guess the feeling of not being in control of your body is unnatural.

I am considering trying a more wholistic treatment before I got the IUI route, acupuncture, massage, vitamins...I guess I am just trying to be proactive instead of reactive.  I am too much of an emotional mess to make these kind of decisions when the time comes to make them. I have come to the point where it is very hard to stay positive because if the test doesn't have to be (+) I don't either anymore.  I guess maybe it just makes the disappointment easier.

Anways, these are many of the things that are stirring around in my mind as I try to get through each day preparing myself emotionally for another month of disappointment.  Please feel free to leave "constructive" comments.  I don't need to hear anything more about being patient, it will happen when it is right, reminding me I am still young, or telling me to just relax..I did that the first 22 months and look how well that worked out.

I'm looking more for types of herbal treatments, acupunturists in the area or other alternatives.  Feel free to remain anonymous or email me instead at julie.goss@hotmail.com .

Julie

You can't always have what you want...right when you want it.

Hello everyone!

I know it has been awhile, but as usual summer has started sucking up all my free time and this heat...well  99 degrees out as we "speak" (read...write...whatever!?) is making everything difficult.  Its like when everything shuts down in Florida when it snows, I think everything should shut down in Wisconsin when the temp. goes above 90 degrees.

Anyways the weather is totally irrelevant to this blog post.  I may just be procrastinating because this is a very difficult blog post, but I finally decided I wanted to write about it.  Well here goes:

What the heck is this Julie?  This room to me represents a dream, a wish, a want.  This is the "spare" bedroom in my house.  What do I mean? 

Many of you do not know that we have been trying to start a family now for the past two years and so far unsuccessfully.  I have been through a lot of frustration and disappointment over this and also learned a lot since my first "check up" with the doctor on May 20th this year to find out ...what the heck is wrong with me that something so natural, so normal has become so difficult
(sad, frustrating, terrible, upsetting...).

What I learned though since that doctors appointment is that I am not alone!

 Almost 1 out of 6-7 people have problems with fertility. 

It is such a private topic (even though I am now blabbing it to the entire web) but it is actually very common!  There is entire communities on the internet and support groups, I am pretty sure there is even an entire language for us "infertiles".  (http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/general-infertility/704976-list-infertility-acronyms.html)

The result of the doctors appointment was that we are two very healthy people and we fall somewhere into the mystery category that the "blame" (can't think of a better word for this) doesn't fall on either of our shoulders.  However, they put me on a medication called letrozole to help things along.

 Back to the photograph of the spare bedroom...I spend a lot of time lost in thought and hope that someday it might become a nursery.  Until then I will keep taking my perscribed medication (Letrozole) aka crazy pills (they make me very moody) and keep you updated with any progress/news.

Please feel free to ask me questions or share your own story and check back often!

Julie

PS.  Hopefully this weekend some pictures to come on a few garden/landscaping projects.