Feeling A Little Anxiety About Upcoming Procedure

Okay so I knew that this was coming...this "anxiety" about my upcoming laparoscopy on September 19th.   For whatever reason it hit me this Sunday as I was having a great time with my friends at a water park in Wisconsin Dells.  I looked down at my stomach and thought.."oh..next summer there will be a scar there."  Then I began to think about the specifics, being put under, the incision into my mid-section, the scope going in.  What if they go in and don't find anything!??  What will I do?  Why oh why did I have to start thinking about this already!?  This is how my mind works.

Lately, I have had a few people - (my therapist, my boss and my husband) say that I need to focus on the here and now, the day to day.  I need to give the BIG PICTURE a break and look at what I am doing now, but I am not programmed that way.   I like to think 5 steps ahead of where I am at and for our specific circumstance which I have no control of (infertility) I am not able to think that way.   I guess the only thing I can do is try to create some short term goals each month (anyone read the "Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin? similar idea to what she does).  

So...starting in September I am hoping to do just that, "Goals for September".  I will create 5 specific attainable goals for myself and share them with you here on my blog.  At the start of the new month I will go back and give you my progress report and my new goals for the following month.  I am going to keep them in a little notebook/journal that I will keep with me in my purse and when I start getting anxious about the future, I can refer to my 5 goals.  My 5 things that I will be able to control.  See you in September!

Julie

Trying to enjoy life while WAITING

Infertility makes you feel like you have to put your life on hold.  Each day brings a new kind of waiting...Waiting to start taking drugs, waiting for the next ultrasound, waiting to ovulate, waiting to see if this month was the one.  Waiting, waiting, waiting!  It is enough to drive a person insane. 

I am struggling to keep moving forward since treatments have gotten more intense and rather then looking forward to the fun planned for the weekend, or the upcoming Easter Holiday, I find myself only thinking about how quickly I want the next two weeks to be over.  WHY do I keep doing this!???  This is very hard to overcome. 

One of the ways I started to do this year was by setting some goals for myself for 2012.  I accomplished another one of these goals 2 months ago and have been so caught up in everything that I haven't had time to post about it.  I think you will really enjoy this :) !!

4.  Host a theme party - I chose a spa themed game night.  I had some very good friends over and we all participated by bringing some of our favorite spa things - foot baths, nail polish, facial masks, ect!  Then we would alternate doing a spa activity with playing a game.  We had soooo much fun!  Here are some pictures from the evening:

I need to remember that life is happening all around me and that I can't just let life pass me by as I wait around for the next cycle.  Thank you to my friends who have been so supportive including those who made spa night so special and those who help me carry my burdens every day.  I wouldn't have made it this far without you and I know you will continue to support me no matter how this month turns out!  I love you all!

Julie

What if...?

In my effort to stay positive and keep up with Goal 12 for 2012 I have started to think a lot about.."What if...?" in regards to our IUI treatment next month.  I have spent a lot of time and effort trying to NOT THINK about it because it only drives me crazy and makes me worry and sad, but lately I have been trying to focus on the possiblities of the treatment working.  (Not in the hyper-excited THIS WILL FOR SURE WORK, but more in the meditative, deep breathing positive thinking way.)

Over the weekend a dear friend reminded me that "God only gives us what we can handle."  I believe this whole heartedly, but I am really starting to wonder how much more of this I can really handle.  How much longer can I be strong?  It is just taking over so much of my life emotionally, physically and financially.  I know there are so many people out there that go through so much more and in the grand scheme of things I am so lucky to have my health and family, ect.  but on a personal level I feel like I am starting to burn out.

I feel so emotionally weak and wonder how much more of this I can continue to put myself through.  I've barely even gotten started with treatment possiblities and already I feel completely broken down.  The only thing getting me through right now is that little voice in the back of my head saying "what if...?"  What if this is the month that it happens.  What if this is the right treatment that will work.  What if I can one day look into the eyes of my beautiful baby as he/she smiles and get to say you were worth it.

What if...?

Julie

2012 Goals - Part 2 - The List

Here they are - my list for 2012 - 12 personal goals to accomplish!  Links will provide more information on details and progress of goals!

1.  Sew a piece of clothing from a pattern - I have just purchased material for Skirt C.
2. Cook at least TWO meals per month from recipe or cookbook.
3. Read at least 12 books in 2012.
4. Host a theme party - I'm thinking 80's!
5. Visit a new city in Wisconsin.
6. Increase the size of my garden.
7. Compost as much as possible.
8. Buy something EXTRA special for myself. (A little selfish I know.) I may have gone out and bought myself a coach purse this weekend! :)
9. Hit my sales budget for the year at work.
10. Compliment others more often. - I find myself often admiring other people's outfits, shoes, ect. I want to actually go the extra step and make them feel good by letting them know!
11. Try to put $x in savings.  (Sorry, don't want to share the details of this one.)
12. Stay positive about our IF journey, and visualize a positive outcome, but also let myself be "sad" when needed.

Stay updated by checking out my other pages, including gardening, crafting and cooking to see if I am accomplishing my goals.  I will hopefully try to add more as I accomplish them.

Julie

Goals 2012

In the spirit of the New Year I wanted to write a little bit about goals. 

Ever since I was young I have been taught to set goals.  Every sport season we were taught to set team goals and personal goals.  Some of them worked and some of them didn't.  As I got older I continued to set goals and many of them have come true and they continue to ... I almost always have written them down at some point in a list or journal and then I try to think about and look back at them often.  Here are some examples I wrote early in my college years:

• I want to study abroad...studied in Australia in the second semester of my junior year (2005)
• I want to fall in love by the time I am 23 and get married at 25 ... fell in love at age 21 and married at age 25 (still cracks me up that this was a goal of mine)
• I want to have my first "real" job offer before I graduate... had job offer accepted before I graduated in May 2006
• I want to go skydiving ... went skydiving in October 2006
• I want to travel to Italy...traveled to Italy in the spring of 2008
• I want to go deep sea fishing in Alaska ... went on a deep sea fishing on our honeymoon 2009
• I want to run a 1/2 marathon... completed a 1/2 marathon in the spring of 2011

There are probably many more, but I think as we get older we forget to keep setting NEW goals for ourselves.  I have reached many of the life goals I had set for myself, but forgot that once I complete them I need to keep setting new goals.  I'm not saying I don't have goals for my life, but I don't always remember to write them down.  Things haven't changed much because I still need to keep personal goals and "team" goals with me and the hubby. 

That being said my New Year's (Resolution) Goal is to start setting goals for myself and with hubby on a regular basis.  Not just thinking: I want... but actually writing them down and then actually doing them.  I understand things like this often take time, but the mind is a powerful thing and I am pretty sure I have proved to myself in the past that I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to!

Thanks CherJoy for the inspiration for this post!

Julie

PS. Stay tuned as I come up with my list and review past goals that are waiting to be completed!