Friday, April 13, 2012

I cracked.

Ugh...I am horrible.  Just horrible.  I couldn't help myself, but to test last night and this morning.  Both big fat ole (-)'s.  I almost had to slap myself, it is really early yet.  I am just so worried that I am going to have some sort of major meltdown (like almost every other month for the past 6 months).  This is getting so hard.  I don't know how much more of it I can stand.

I look at my hubby and my pups and think maybe this is it.  Maybe it will be just us.  That isn't the worst thing is it?  We have a good life no a great life...WHY OH WHY...do I have to have such a strong desire for something I can't have?  I convince myself for about 30 seconds that we would be fine and we could be that rich aunt and uncle that travel the world and give great Christmas gifts, but then a "Pampers" commercial comes on and I start crying my eyes out.  I have been horrible finding comfort in shopping and eating lately and it is starting to show and make me feel miserable.  I feel weak like I can't help it!  I'm not really supposed to be exercising much beyond a fast walk, I can't drink coffee, I can't drink wine...sometimes I feel like all I have is my cooking, gardening and my books.

I'm so ready to get off this roller coaster.

2 comments:

Kate said...

You also have your friends and family!

Amber said...

You have a strong desire for something you can't have because you deserve to have it. You can fight for it and I know you are strong and determined.
How ahead of schedule are you on testing? Fingers crossed it was just too early to turn out positive yet. I know how hard it is to wait and to get the negative news is devastating. Everything month is a roller coaster ride and sometimes you just want off the damn thing...
Sometimes a break is needed to focus on you and your great husband to clear your heads before tackling another try. I can't tell you how many months we were disappointed, and there were many weeks I cried myself to sleep thinking I simply couldn't have it all...a great husband, successful careers, a nice house and fuzzy kids were all we would get. We'd both come to terms with it, but I knew deep down I coudln't quit until we exhausted every opportunity to make kids happen. Some people don't want to go this far and that's okay. It's a different journey for everyone. I just know it will happen for you Julie! Keep hope alive. Hope is something you can always cling to when all else fails...
I'm sending you a big hug!! I hate that you are going through this. It's awful and no one seems to understand. I'm here for you. If you need to talk or anything let me know!! Hang in there. Hope. You deserve this and it will happen!!