Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Less Stress September - Who was I kidding?

A few posts ago I had made a promise to post my 5 things I was going to do to make September less stressful and get me through the weeks until my surgery.  I did it all, bought a cute little journal.  Wrote down my 5 things to "focus on" and thus far it has been a big FAIL!  I don't have it with me to even share my 5 things...sorry!

The month started off great with a wonderful Labor Day weekend up north.  It was so nice to get away and relax.  Then come Tuesday, back to work and back to the stress!  I came home last night to an "explanation of benefits" (oh no!) from my insurance company saying they ARE NOT going to cover my AMH testing and that I will owe over $450 just for the lab work!  Ugh!  It makes me so sick.  I will of course try and fight it and figure out why they are now saying they won't cover it, but can't anything be easy anymore?

Even when I am not awake stressing about everything I am stressing in my sleep.  Last night I had this insane dream that:

My therapist was going to live with me because she wanted to keep an eye on me.  It was so bad she said she wanted to be in the bathroom when I was showering. So I was getting ready to shower and all of a sudden I was being attacked by all these women who told me they knew my story and had the solution for me.  They held me down and injected me with this needle and said it was an anti-anxiety medication.  Suddenly I just felt worse.  

Then I woke up with my heart racing and feeling even more "real life" miserable.  Any dream interpreters out there know what this means?

I know things could be worse, way worse, but honestly life is hard enough without dealing with infertility.  Thinking about October makes me sick because it will bring about the official 3 years we have been at this thing they call TTC.  I'm starting to think BFP's don't actually exist.  I've never seen one.  All the waiting for this surgery has been really hard on me.  I'm not good at waiting for things the way it is, but something this big and important is just making me lose my mind.

Okay Julie enough ranting for the day...!  I'm going to bring it back and try to end this one with a positive swing.  I have 2 exciting weekends planned the next two weeks.  This weekend we have a family get together at my parent's house complete with a bonfire and chance to wow everyone with my guitar skills (LOL) and Saturday a wine tasting with my wonderful cousin!  Then next weekend I have 3 amazing friends coming to visit me from out of state.  These girls honestly mean the world to me and we have all been travel buddies for the past few years!!!  We had planned to take a trip to NY this fall and when all this stuff came up with all my IF treatments and then my surgery they gladly (and enthusiastically) agreed to come to visit me instead.  (I did promise them CHEESE and BEER.)  Then the week after is my laparoscopy.

Hopefully some fun posts to follow the next couple of weeks.


PS. I wanted to give a shout out to my friend Amber who is on the brink of welcoming her twins into the world after struggling many years with IF herself.  Good luck and thank you for always continuing to give me hope that my dreams will also come true someday!

1 comment:

Amber said...

Thank you so much for the shout out!! I appreciate it! I have no doubt that you will be there one day as well. I'll be there supporting you the entire way. There were days/weeks/months I was down and did not feel like's damn hard. You just do whatever you need to do to get through each day. Don't give up the fight!! You're incredibly strong and you WILL get through this together. Your relationship will be stronger and when you make it, it will be that much sweeter. You'll appreciate EVERY day so much more than the next person who didn't struggle. It will make the lowest of low days worth it in the end. Promise!!

I'm sure the surgery is incredibly stressful. I hope it goes smooth and you have a quick recovery. I had two laps done and it freaked me out about my belly button-they went in through my belly button and two other places. I barely notice the scars from the other places. For some reason, just knowing my belly button was deconstructed for a scope to go through completely freaked me out!! It didn't really look different or feel's all in my head...but hopefully you will not have that weird belly button thing happen to you :)

It sounds like you have some great weekends coming up!! Enjoy the good times. Easier said than done, right? Hopefully you'll have plenty of time where IF can be a distant thought.

Three years. Incredible to think back on isn't it? So much time, money, effort, tears and dedication. You are amazing for having fought!!

Let me know if I can do ANYTHING!!!!