Life As An Infertile In A Poem

You're so caught up in life and such;

It seems we've fallen out of touch.

You, you've got your family,

Me, stuck with infertility.

You don't understand or know why,

The sight of your baby makes me cry.

You wonder why I never call;

I wonder if you care at all.

Is this a rough patch or is this it?

I'm ready to give up, I think I'll quit.

I never knew it would hurt this much,

You're so caught up in life and such.

Julie

Next Up: IVF Planning and Injection Class

I wanted to share this post with are wider audience which is why I plan to link it to my facebook friends.  Some of you might know me, but have no clue that any of this was going on in my life.  We have currently been at TTC (trying to conceive) game for 40 months (over 3 years and 3 months) it has been a hard and miserable road.  Over the next couple of weeks we are going to be undergoing IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization).

My goal with sharing this to a wider audience is not to specifically highlight my story, but to spread awareness about infertility.  Therefore if you want to follow my story you will need to sign up for my blog to get alerts or bookmark this page, I won't be sharing future posts on facebook.  Going through this myself has opened me up to an entire world I never knew existed and would have known nothing about had we gotten pregnant the old fashioned way (sex).  However, for some reason hardly anybody talks about it.  There is nothing to be ashamed of, but many couples choose to keep it quiet.  That is okay too.  I choose to speak out so that maybe one other couple out there doesn't feel like they are alone even if I never hear from them.  The truth is I HAVE heard from many of you and I admire you all for your strength and courage.  Stay strong!

Man oh man I wish I was going to one of those birthing/breathing/breast feeding classes at the hospital tomorrow rather than an injection class  (a class that they teach you to mix the medications preparing for IVF correctly and then have your partner inject them into your butt-cheek a place where you have a little extra "skin".

Tomorrow I will be going to the doctor to get my IVF "treatment plan".  A lot of friends and family have asked me to keep them in the loop on what is all going to happen during IVF.  Below I have linked to a step by step listing of how and when everything will happen.  This way I can share my personal feelings/experiences rather than explaining each step every time.  I will refer back to this link in the future.

This is directly from my Fertility Clinic's website:

At this point, after countless pokes, prods and testing there is nothing wrong (that we know of) with either of us other than some very mild endometriosis on my part (which I had removed this past September).  In fact we are by far well above average in count and numbers with all the testing we have done and have been told we would make fabulous donors.  So the time has finally come, we plan on doing IVF once and if needed a FET (if needed and if possible).  IVF is not guaranteed.   The outcome however will take us to the fork in the road, one path is on to parenthood and if failed the other takes us a new direction.  We will not be pursuing additional fertility treatment after this is all said and done.  (Unless we magically come into a large unexpected sum of cash.)

Last but not least I wanted to let you know about a special guest blogger I have coming up soon.  She has been with me through much of the heartbreak and sadness with me without ever actually experiencing infertility first hand.  She is going to be offering her story of balancing on the fertility-infertility line and what that experience has been like.  As always, stay tuned!

Julie

Making My Hope "Sign" Permanent - Tattoo #2!

Happy Friday to All!  So today is pretty special for me.  I wrote awhile back about some mixed signs that I had been experiencing and more recently I wrote about my hope sign which is seeing a hummingbird.  I want to go into this a little bit more because tonight I will be getting it permanent in tattoo form!!!

I have been thinking about this for quite awhile.  Again I have always loved hummingbirds and taken great joy in seeing them.  I put a feeder up this summer and got to enjoy them almost every day.  Anyways, when I  was considering getting a tattoo (we'll call it my hope sign tattoo) I wanted something special that really symbolized how I am feeling right now while dealing with infertility.  Well here is something I found that I thought made the hummingbird symbolize my perfect hope sign.

Hummingbirds, called new world birds cause they are native to North America, Central and South America, are considered to be symbols of peace, love and happiness, moreover, ancient pagans held them sacred for their tireless energy and anxiety. 
In Native American culture, a hummingbird symbolizes timeless joy and the Nectar of Life. It's a symbol for accomplishing that which seems impossible and will teach you how to find the miracle of joyful living from your own life circumstances.
They are really spectacular birds, and have a lot to teach a person about self discovery and healing. 

So tonight is very special to me.  I will share a picture of what it looks like when it is done so you will have to check back :).  There is one more key to this tattoo.  I will be getting it in black and gray only, (for now).  I want it to be a transitional tattoo that once we have resolved our infertility (have a baby, adopt a child, decide to live childfree) I will go back to get the colors filled in.  It will mark our transition to the next phase of life no matter what that ends up being.

What is your hope sign?

Julie

One Day Late and Afraid to Pee!

Sorry for the title...I just had to.  I'm officially 15DPO (days past ovulation and IUI) and I am pretty sure this is a FIRST since I have been tracking my cycles.  I usually get to about day CD12-13 and then BAM like clockwork my period shows up.  I tested on 12DPO just to see if there was a chance and BFN so I decided I am going to wait now until the Mr gets back home (Wednesday).  To be sure I wasn't freaking out for no reason at all I checked my prior IUI's to see if the HCG shot had anything to do with it and no my March IUI I made it to 13DPO and July I made it to 12DPO.  People this is a first.  I'm currently at CD31 15DPO and trying not to lose it.  Thus the reason for the subject...I'm so scared I'm going to go to the bathroom and see RED that every time I have to go to the bathroom my heart starts racing and I feel ready to burst into tears.  Keep the prayers coming everyone...I need them more than ever!!!

On to my weekend.  Remember not so long ago when I post this?  Well that backfired a little when I decided to take up hunting to spend more time with the Mr.  Instead this weekend (opening deer hunting weekend) we actually split ways and I went to my parents farm and he went to his.  I was shocked and surprised to find out that I really LOVE deer hunting.  Me!??  I know right?!?

- - WARNING - - DON'T LIKE HUNTING SKIP THIS PART - - LEFT OUT GRAPHIC DETAILS

So that is what I did.  I packed up all my blaze orange on Friday (and about a million tampons expecting AF to show up on Sat. or Sun.) and headed to the family farm.  Our "deer camp" consisted of my dad and my older brother (and Bosko and Lady and parents black lab Trapper).  Mom was also there for moral support, but did not go out hunting with us.  I woke nice and early Saturday morning and we headed out to our stands.  I was armed with all my warm gear, "hot hands" (find out what these are if you ever have to sit out in the cold they are amazing), my cell phone, and my Nook for when I got bored.  The opening time was 6:18 AM and just around 6:30 I hear a shuffle of leaves headed my way.  Holy buckets...my heart is racing at this point 100 mph and I see 2 doe walking right in front of me.  I took one shot.  Skip ahead the details.  Sunday morning back out and same thing happens, but this time around 6:45 and this time it is only one doe and on to the results I finished the weekend with one doe Saturday morning and one doe Sunday morning.  Boys = 0, Julie = 2.  I am SO thankful to my brother for taking care of the part after you shoot the deer (which I would never be able to take care of) and my dad for lending me his gun and both for putting me in the best spot on the farm to hunt!

- - END OF WARNING - -CONTINUE READING- -

So now what do I do?  I have 2 days of work today and tomorrow and then I have off the rest of the weekend for Thanksgiving.  The Mr. comes home from his hunting adventure Tuesday which if I can make it until then without giving in or AF arriving I will test Wednesday.  THEN...if positive (eeks!) I will set up a blood test (beta test) and go from there.  For the record right now I feel anything but pregnant so while I am freaking out I am trying so hard not to because I feel a lot more like my period is just around the corner and the acne on my face to go along with it.  If negative/or AF I plan on drinking a lot of wine at Thanksgiving.  However until that happens I am going to keep the hope alive and keep sending the prayers up to the Big Guy in heaven.  Please please please do the same!!!

Julie

PS. If you have an extra prayer available please also send up one for my new nephew who has been in the hospital for jaundice the past few days.  Thanks!

Has Infertility Made Me Selfish?

Happy Monday!

Well the second week of my glorious 2WW after my 3rd IUI has begun.

I realized lately I have been so wrapped up in all this infertility stuff that I have become extremely selfish.  Now don't get me wrong, to a point you have to be selfish because you need to protect yourself emotionally, but sometimes I think it gets to a point that you need to remember there is life beyond the fertility treatments and 2WWs.  (Honestly, I sometimes forget that especially when I am all whacked out on hormones!)  Lately it is just so difficult for me to think of others because I feel like we are struggling so much ourselves, but the more I focus on infertility the more miserable I am.  So this is what I decided...I am going to VOLUNTEER!  I've decided on 2 things I would like to do still in 2012 and then try to expand for 2013.

1. Big Brothers Big Sisters - I have submitted my paper work and am waiting to hear back for approval.  This may be difficult considering the situation we are in, but overall I think the benefits will outweigh the negatives.

2. Fund raise for Victims on the East Coast from Superstorm Sandy - I have been working on this the past few weeks to get approved at work, but things are getting finalized and hopefully I can share more about this once I get approved.  We hope to specifically fund raise for our co-workers that were affected.

It is so easy to get so down and feel so negative when you are dealing with infertility, but there are so many others out there who are hurting for different reasons.  I hope to share my volunteering experiences with you and also ask what you are doing to help others?

Julie

Surviving the Holiday's - IF V3.0

Hello Again,

I wanted to write a quick post as the "holidays" are rapidly approaching here in the US.  Thanksgiving is right around the corner and as any infertile knows the holidays are not always easy to deal with.  This will be my 3rd infertile Christmas and I think I am learning from my past mistakes!  Here goes:

IF Holiday Tip #1.

DO - Make party visits short (if possible) and then get out!  Auntie So&SO WILL ask you when you are going to have a baby, be prepared with a short polite response.

DON'T - Get stuck watching all the grandchildren opening their adorable little presents.  If this is not an option make it into some sort of drinking game...little Anna got another Barbie? That's 2 drinks!


IF Holiday Tip #2.

DO - Spend at least one of your days off with your significant other enjoying just the two of you (and your fur babies).  Take a break from the hustle and bustle that all the FERTILES HAVE to deal with since they have kiddos.

DON'T - invite a TON of people over to your house on Christmas Day!  I learned the error of my ways after doing this for the past couple years.  You think you are stressed about your HSG two days before Christmas?  Why add the additional stress of cleaning, cooking and family and in-laws on top of it?  Hopefully you are all smarter than me :).

IF Holiday Tip #3

DO - Plan your shopping accordingly.  Be smart about buying gifts for children in your extended family, if you don't think you can handle walking through the kids department then buy a department store gift card.

DON'T - Save your shopping until the last minute, have a total mental breakdown in TOYS 'R' US because you had to make a quick run to the bathroom and AF stained your new pair of Christmas undies!

IF Holiday Tip #4

DO - Make time for adult fun.  Throw/attend an adult Christmas theme party that won't be centered around kids.  This year I will be hosting "A Very Nerdy Christmas" and I can't wait!  (You better believe there will be pictures!)

DON'T - Accept every single party invitation sent your way.  Be sensible and politely decline if you don't feel you will be comfortable.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST IF Holiday Tip #5 - Remember the reason for each holiday.  Take joy in the fact that you have your faith, family and friends.

DON'T - Let the stress of it all send you into a spiral of misery.  The holidays' aren't easy but a little planning and fun and you may even start to enjoy them (a little bit).

My new Christmas Guitar Book!

Julie

P.S. Feel free to add any of your own personal tips for surviving the holidays you think would be helpful!

IUI #3 - 2WW Begins

Hello all!

Today begins the two week wait (2WW) after IUI #3.  I'm finally feeling a little better after having some difficulty this month during the first part of the crazy hormone stage.  I just felt very negative and it was difficult to overcome.  Today for the most part I feel normal, maybe a little too normal since we just had the IUI yesterday.  I think it is a good thing.  I feel relaxed!  The procedure went well, I had some cramping and slight bleeding, but that has been pretty standard.  Mr. Amazing produced some great numbers this month as well (76 million post wash)!

I also had a GREAT weekend!!  I spent the weekend at my parents cabin for an annual event which takes place each November.  When I was a kid my mom played softball with a wonderful group of women and once I turned 16 I started playing as well.  18 years ago they began getting together and going up to the cabin for a ladies weekend and once I turned 16 I got to join and have been going ever since.  It is always a weekend filled with food, drinks and laughs.  This year was no different except I had the pending IUI looming over my head.  Since I grew up knowing all these women I had no difficulty sharing what was going on and I am so happy I did.  I could just feel the love and support all weekend!!  Friday night I was scheduled for my trigger shot (ovidrel) and the ladies supported me by taking a shot of alcohol at the same time.

They also signed a pair of lucky socks for me and a pair for the Mr. to wear Sunday morning to my appointment.  We are so lucky to have so much love and support in our path to becoming parents.  I have never for a second regretting coming out into the open about our infertility because nobody should have to go through it alone. At the same time I know not everyone is as lucky as me to have such wonderful family and friends who are willing to be so supportive.  I feel extremely blessed.

On the way home I had some time to think about everything going on and was kind of talking to God in my head asking him if I was on the right path and asking for his blessing on the decisions we were making.  Then out in front of me I saw a clearing in the clouds (just a small spot) and in it I could see the colors of the rainbow.  It was so odd because it wasn't an actual rainbow, but I could clearly make out the colors.  It made me feel at ease.  Not that this will be the answer to our prayers or that this is going to be the one (though I hope it is) but that we were making the proper decisions in our life right now and that we are on the correct path!

My prayer goes out to everyone struggling with infertility.  I hope through being open about our story we can help spread awareness that infertility is real and affects many couples.

Julie

What a Great Weekend...Now back to Reality!

My Weekend in Pictures

Thursday night we made a fabulous taco dinner complete with Jarritos to drink!

Off to watch the heated Packers vs. Bears game in our own private lounge.

My first pair of Toms!!! Bought at Shoo in Madison on State Street.

A quick group photo by the Mendota Lakefront Terrace.

Nothing says Wisconsin like a big campfire complete with beer, brats and smores!

Off on Saturday to the New Glarus Brewery for a tour and sampling...yummy!

The tour was self guided...

Here is out front of the brewery.  Notice all our fun colored pants! :)

Our farewell dinner and a few games of Rummy, followed by a movie at home.

If you didn't read my previous entry I had a few visitors this weekend, and if you couldn't tell by the pictures we had a fabulous time.  We jam packed the entire weekend with "Wisconsin" filled activities and had a nice relaxing Saturday night.  It was just what I needed leading up to this hectic week.  As I have mentioned before, tomorrow I have my laparoscopy surgery which is basically checking for endometriosis.  If it is found the doctor will also try to remove it right away.  I'm extremely anxious about it.  After tomorrow we could potentially no longer be UNEXPLAINED.  After today I have the rest of the week off to recover.  Wish me luck!

Julie

Preparing for Next Weeks Laparoscopy...Eeks! ...and more test results!

Hello Everyone,

I wanted to give you a quick IF update...brought to you in part by my "obnoxious" seemingly perfect thus far uterus.  I went in for my pre-op appointment not quite sure what to expect.  She did a routine physical and after feeling my neck (thyroid) area mentioned it seemed enlarged.  She checked my charts and said it had been awhile since I had my TSH and Prolactin levels checked (probably since May 2011 when I first started seeing the OB for IF).  So I didn't make it through an appointment without drawing blood, BUT this was the first appointment in awhile I got to keep my undies on...(he he!)  Its the small things I tell you!

Anyways, in addition to that I had to wait a day for my results (no worries I will tell you what they are if you keep reading, but you will love the suspense), and I found out I have to do a gallon (which I will refer to as the gallon challenge) of Golytely, you know the gallon of stuff you have to drink before you get a colonoscopy and spend a delightful evening within a step of the toilet.

Source WebMD

She said this is a precaution in case I have any scar tissue on my intestines/digestive organs so they can take care of it right away and not have to close me up and go through this again.  They will also do another HSG - to double check my tubes only I will be knocked out this time.  Thank goodness because this was a fairly painful thing the first time around.  It could be anywhere from a few days to a few weeks for recovery.





I got the results of my TSH and Prolactin today:

TSH: 1.588 mlU/ml
Prolactin 15.9 ng/ml

These both fall under perfectly healthy normal levels...takes a bow.  Did I ever mention I hate you UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY!!!  Now don't get me wrong, I am extremely happy for my overall health, but after almost 3 years I am ready for some answers.  Hopefully this surgery will give me the answers I need to move forward.

Okay back to the positive side of things...I  have 3 very special visitors coming to see me this week and we have a ton of fun things planned.  I'm ready to show them a "Wisconsin Good Time"!

Julie

Less Stress September - Who was I kidding?

A few posts ago I had made a promise to post my 5 things I was going to do to make September less stressful and get me through the weeks until my surgery.  I did it all, bought a cute little journal.  Wrote down my 5 things to "focus on" and thus far it has been a big FAIL!  I don't have it with me to even share my 5 things...sorry!

The month started off great with a wonderful Labor Day weekend up north.  It was so nice to get away and relax.  Then come Tuesday, back to work and back to the stress!  I came home last night to an "explanation of benefits" (oh no!) from my insurance company saying they ARE NOT going to cover my AMH testing and that I will owe over $450 just for the lab work!  Ugh!  It makes me so sick.  I will of course try and fight it and figure out why they are now saying they won't cover it, but can't anything be easy anymore?

Even when I am not awake stressing about everything I am stressing in my sleep.  Last night I had this insane dream that:

My therapist was going to live with me because she wanted to keep an eye on me.  It was so bad she said she wanted to be in the bathroom when I was showering. So I was getting ready to shower and all of a sudden I was being attacked by all these women who told me they knew my story and had the solution for me.  They held me down and injected me with this needle and said it was an anti-anxiety medication.  Suddenly I just felt worse.  

Then I woke up with my heart racing and feeling even more "real life" miserable.  Any dream interpreters out there know what this means?

I know things could be worse, way worse, but honestly life is hard enough without dealing with infertility.  Thinking about October makes me sick because it will bring about the official 3 years we have been at this thing they call TTC.  I'm starting to think BFP's don't actually exist.  I've never seen one.  All the waiting for this surgery has been really hard on me.  I'm not good at waiting for things the way it is, but something this big and important is just making me lose my mind.

Okay Julie enough ranting for the day...!  I'm going to bring it back and try to end this one with a positive swing.  I have 2 exciting weekends planned the next two weeks.  This weekend we have a family get together at my parent's house complete with a bonfire and chance to wow everyone with my guitar skills (LOL) and Saturday a wine tasting with my wonderful cousin!  Then next weekend I have 3 amazing friends coming to visit me from out of state.  These girls honestly mean the world to me and we have all been travel buddies for the past few years!!!  We had planned to take a trip to NY this fall and when all this stuff came up with all my IF treatments and then my surgery they gladly (and enthusiastically) agreed to come to visit me instead.  (I did promise them CHEESE and BEER.)  Then the week after is my laparoscopy.

Hopefully some fun posts to follow the next couple of weeks.

Julie

PS. I wanted to give a shout out to my friend Amber who is on the brink of welcoming her twins into the world after struggling many years with IF herself.  Good luck and thank you for always continuing to give me hope that my dreams will also come true someday!

Feeling A Little Anxiety About Upcoming Procedure

Okay so I knew that this was coming...this "anxiety" about my upcoming laparoscopy on September 19th.   For whatever reason it hit me this Sunday as I was having a great time with my friends at a water park in Wisconsin Dells.  I looked down at my stomach and thought.."oh..next summer there will be a scar there."  Then I began to think about the specifics, being put under, the incision into my mid-section, the scope going in.  What if they go in and don't find anything!??  What will I do?  Why oh why did I have to start thinking about this already!?  This is how my mind works.

Lately, I have had a few people - (my therapist, my boss and my husband) say that I need to focus on the here and now, the day to day.  I need to give the BIG PICTURE a break and look at what I am doing now, but I am not programmed that way.   I like to think 5 steps ahead of where I am at and for our specific circumstance which I have no control of (infertility) I am not able to think that way.   I guess the only thing I can do is try to create some short term goals each month (anyone read the "Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin? similar idea to what she does).  

So...starting in September I am hoping to do just that, "Goals for September".  I will create 5 specific attainable goals for myself and share them with you here on my blog.  At the start of the new month I will go back and give you my progress report and my new goals for the following month.  I am going to keep them in a little notebook/journal that I will keep with me in my purse and when I start getting anxious about the future, I can refer to my 5 goals.  My 5 things that I will be able to control.  See you in September!

Julie

Staying Positive When I Feel Negative

There is nothing worse than feeling "negative Nancy" when there are so many wonderful things going on.  However, sometimes you can't help how you feel. This darn IF crap has me questioning everything about my life and it is making me miserable.  Therefore this post is going to be a positive post about a few happy moments from the weekend to remind me of the good things I do have.

As I had mentioned we had our annual up north gathering this weekend "Suhrfest" and as the cliche goes, "It was the best Suhrfest ever."  (Every year is the best Suhrfest ever.)  In addition to spending time with friends and family I finally got to spend some QT with the Mr.

I was able to perform my first "live" concert to the audience of family and friends along with my cousin who is a very skilled guitar player and made everything sound amazing!  We played "Margaritaville" and "Mary Jane's Last Dance".  How cool do we look!  We even had a spotlight that we had been using to light up our bean bag boards!

Not only did my friend Laci and I get to enjoy some delicious ice cream, we got to see two gigantic fields of beautiful sunflowers!  Here is an instagram photo of it!

My spastic puppy (she will be 2 years old in a couple weeks) finally tired out after running around outside, swimming and playing with the other dogs.  I didn't think there was ever an end to her energy.

Last but not least, we are going to be going to the Packer Pre-Season game this Thursday!  I have been to Lambeau Field, but never been to a game.  I'm sooooooooooo excited!  We also have a friend's wedding this weekend that should be a lot of fun.

So anyways, I think all this waiting around for surgery (laparoscopy) and the continued (constant) stress of IF has the blues kicking in right now.  There is plenty for me to be happy about, but I just needed to remind myself of that!

Julie

One thing leads...

A new week leads to a new set of problems.  WTF!!??  Let me start by saying I haven't seen a "family" doctor apparently since I have been married.  That is over 3 years now.  It helped me remember that I AM a healthy person despite all the doctors visits lately due to IF.  I had to give my maiden name for them to pull my name up in the system.  Why you may ask was I making an appointment?  I have been having terrible stomach problems over the last week.  This is kind of an ongoing problem, but got really severe over the weekend. 

Basically what happens is I eat something and either it agrees (no burning stomach ache) or doesn't and I get a terrible nauseousness that turns into burning in my stomach.  This was not happening that often before and suddenly last week it started happening with every single meal.  This weekend the pain lasted an entire day so I decided it was time to set up an appointment.  I can only wonder if all this is related to each other or not, but since it is all in the general area I can't help but think it is or perhaps just related to the STRESS caused by the infertility. I guess I will find out on Thursday. 

Other infertility related news, (may be TMI for some...so stop reading if needed) I am currently on CD23 and still have yet to ovulate this month.  Granted last month was a medicated cycle, but the entire cycle was only 28 days.  I did finally get a + OPK today, but the signs have been around for 8 days now.  This is starting to drive me crazy! (er).  Even if I do ovulate today the shortest this cycle will be is probably around 35-36 days IF my luteal is only 12-13 days.  I don't know if it is from the possible cysts leftover from last cycle or what is going on.  Needless to say I am not liking what is going on with all this.

Last news item.  I went in for an AMH test on Friday.  They just draw blood for this test.  (Took them two tries :(...) I will find out in a week what the result is.  UPDATED SEE BELOW The test tells you from a fertility point of view if I am actually 28 or more like 45 because the test will tell you about how many eggs you have left or your ovarian reserve. 

Thankfully this is a short week for me and we will be going up to the family cabin this weekend to spend some time with friends and family for our annual "Suhrfest".  It is always a blast!

Julie

UPDATED*************FROM THE DOCTORS OFFICE:

Hi Julie,
your AMH value is really good, no worries about premature menopause, the number is quite high!

Seeking Professional Help

Hello All!

I hope you had a good weekend.  Today's topic is about, you guessed it, "Seeking Professional Help".  What are your feelings on that?  I decided it was finally time.  I've never been to any kind of professional therapy or counseling so I really didn't know what to expect.  I made the decision to go because I am hoping to continue to find healthy ways to cope with infertility. 

I had a referral from my RE to an IF specific psychologist and I'm glad I picked someone who knows about IF (even if I have to drive a little bit extra).  In fact, she has dealt with it herself and came out on the other side.  What was great was that not only did she understand the emotional side of it, she is very familiar with the terminology, testing and treatments.  I couldn't imagine going to see someone who would need everything explained to them about what is an IUI or FSH.  In fact, she asked to make sure I had all the testing done that I should have.  Anyways, I'm interested to see how that goes and hopefully it will help.

Dealing with IF anxiety is a little bit different then dealing with regular anxiety and stress.  You can't always avoid the things that are making you stressed or anxious if you want to continue to try and have children.   Anyways, I will keep you posted on how this goes!  We are currently still in limbo waiting for the laparoscopy procedure at the end of August and will not be doing any treatment until that time other than au natural!

On a side note, I wanted to thank those of you who have reached out to me over the past few weeks.  I have received a lot of support from some unexpected places.  It means a lot to me to hear from you.  It never occurred to me when I started writing this blog that so many people would take the time to sit down and read about my life.  I find it amazing that this month alone I have had over 1,000 page views.  You guys are incredible.  Thank you again for all the prayers that have been sent up to heaven.  I know God is listening and he will answer in His time, but every little bit helps!

Julie

Drunk on You and High on Summertime

Soooo, I forgot to tell you about my weekend! 

This past weekend I made the trip up 3-4 hours with my sister-in-law to see Jason Aldean!!  We had so much fun and got very lucky to spend the weekend with some great friends.  I also got to check one of my Goals for 2012 off the list by visiting a new town Black River Falls.  We didn't stay long, but we did visit a cute little place called the "Mocha Mouse" which we kept confusing and calling the Mocha Moose!

We had frappuchinos and some snacks for the rest of the trip since we were both so excited we forgot to eat lunch.  On Saturday we got to see Justin Moore, Luke Bryan and Jason Aldean.  All three of them were good, but the stand out by far was Luke Bryan.  He was really, REALLY, really good (and it doesn't hurt that he is really good looking either).  In my opinion JA was only so...so...  He even mentioned he was still hungover from the night before.  That kind of was the beginning of the end.  He didn't play bad, but I wasn't extremely impressed either.

It has just been me and the pups this week.  I hate being home alone.  In fact the only thing I look forward to is being able to take over the whole bed and that wasn't even an option:

Only a few more days and he comes back home.  He is traveling for work, but it works out nice that he can stay at his parents house. 

IF update: none - my cramping finally subsided after I went in Wednesday for acupuncture and laser treatment.  I hope that took care of whatever was going on in there.  When I told acu-Lady about my cramps and that the doctor thought it was cysts, I'm pretty sure she said the F*** word.  She obviously is all about natural treatment but is understanding of me doing both. 

Anyways, "Happy Friday" everyone!

Julie

Next Up: More Testing

Hi Everyone,

I'm still kind of pulling myself out of the dark hole I have been in the past few days, but I am definitely getting there.  It doesn't hurt that this weekend I will be taking a nice little road trip to see my FAVORITE country singer Jason Aldean.  Just saying his name... "Jason Aldean" cheers me up!  (Don't worry my husband is well aware of how much I love JA!)

Anyways, back to my post I spoke (messaged I guess) with my RE yesterday about our options moving forward.  She said we could continue and do another IUI or that there is more testing that we could do including testing my ovarian reserve and testing for endometriosis.  How you ask?  Well the ovarian reserve test would be a simple blood test to basically tell how many eggs I have left in case I am at risk for early menopause.  In that case I would assume they would push along IVF a little bit faster.  The testing for endometriosis is actually a surgery called laparoscopy that you can read more about here.  For the squeamish the surgery isn't horrible, but definitely doesn't sound like fun.  I have some, but not all of the symptoms of "endo" since my early teens I have always had painful periods.  I truly believe this should be our next step instead of another fingers crossed IUI (even though the past two haven't worked and we don't know why). 

At this point I would just love to get some answers, does that mean I am hoping I have endometriosis?  Gosh I don't know the answer to that!  If it means that we can finally have an answer and can fix it with surgery and have our baby (and live happily ever after ...LOL!), then I guess the answer is YES.  The surgery is set up at this point for August 29th.

Julie

PS.  Thank you so much for all the comments and support after my last post!  It means a lot to me!

To Hell and Back

Hello All,

I literally feel like I have been to hell and back in the past two days.  As you can imagine, AF showed up on Sunday ruining my perfect little Sunday I was having.  I had cleaned the entire house, had my spinach salad out on the patio under the umbrella and started watching season 1 of Mad Men drinking lemonade.  Seriously, perfect right!?  Well after drinking a little too much lemonade I had to run off to the bathroom and bam...like a ton of bricks all of a sudden 14DPO turned into CD1.  I wanted to scream F***********************************!  I now know the reason that word was invented.  To deal with 14DPO turning into CD1.

To make matters worse and since I have been totally open on this blog, we got word that certain friends of ours don't approve of us going through infertility treatments and that they think it is unnatural.  You know what is not natural??? Being INFERTILE!!!!  This pretty much turned my world upside down and inside out.  I can't believe that people that should be supporting us are actually against what we are doing, which is trying to expand our family.  I guess that is the one problem about being open about our journey.  Not everyone is going to be supportive.  Round this all our with what seems like about 100 pregnancy announcements in the last month and let's just say we are taking another month off to recover and relax.

I keep thinking, okay we have made it through the worst, we can't get any lower than "right now" and then you sink lower and things don't get better.  I know my goal this year was to try to remain positive about our IF journey and I think I have done a pretty good job up to this point, but there is reality and this journey is miserable.  You can try to find the silver lining or whatever, or think this is all part of God's plan, but when it comes right down to it...it is the worst thing I have ever been through.  Thank goodness this is a rollercoaster and I know things will go back up, but how much longer can I stay on this ride.

Julie

Other Amazing Blogs

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to put up a quick message that I have added an "Other Amazing Blogs" linked to my blog along the right hand side.  I put up a few of you who have linked to my blog.  I really appreciate that and I want to do the same! 

If you are interested in having your blog added to my list please send me a link in the comments section.

If there is one positive thing that has come from dealing with IF it is the sense of support and community online from not only people I know, but also total strangers and I love it!  Even those of you who have "crossed over to the other side" are still so wonderful and supportive.   Please send me your link below!

Julie (IUI#2, CD25, 9DPO) 

Asking for your HELP! - Trial Run on eBay - Funding IF

Hi Everyone,

As I wait anxiously in my 2WW after our 2nd IUI, I started thinking...WHAT IF THIS DOESN'T WORK?  Immediately I tried to push that out of my mind, of course it will work, all those perfect numbers it has to right?  Well then reality hit, what if we need to keep moving forward with treatment, how will we be able to afford to keep shelling out so much money each month?  For example:

July Treatment:

• 2x acupuncture treatments $110
• Maternal Herbal Supplement $16
• Letrozole $8 co-pay
• Ovidrel $80
• U/S $250
• IUI $350

= $814 + driving back and forth to the doctor's office

All that for a chance that is might work.  Talk about making a person anxious!  So I started thinking, "How can I use some of the skills I have learned while WAITING for my baby?  ...and it hit me.  What if I sold the dresses and other items that I have been "refashioning"?   I guess it can't hurt to give it a try!

So this is where I need your help... please take a look.  I am only doing a trial run right now and if it works I will continue to add more.  Please share this link with anyone who might be interested in helping me and my husband make our dream come true of expanding our family.

• http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=280917951116
• http://www.ebay.com/itm/Blue-and-white-polka-dot-dress-in-size-12-to-benefit-Julie-s-IF-fund-/280918045473?pt=US_CSA_WC_Dresses&hash=item4168053321
• http://www.ebay.com/itm/280918143784?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1555.l2649 

IUI #2 Update

Hi Everyone,

This is going to be short and sweet since it is from my phone.  Timing was perfect as it could have been and great numbers!!  3 follies for me on the left...20, 21 & 21.  Took the Ovidrel on 6/30 and went in for the IUI 7/2.  Hubbies numbers were again out of this world 207 million...yes you read that right 207,000,000!  92% motility also fabulous.

I could actually feel ovulation taking place as the procedure was happening.  Good timing!

Wish us luck, send prayers and keep you fingers crossed for the next two weeks!

Happy 4th of July!!!