Wednesday, January 9, 2013


This has been a reoccurring theme in my life lately.  What is motivating me?  What motivates me to work hard, be healthy, be a good wife, be a good person, want to have a baby?  Is it something internal?  Is it money or the things money can buy?  Is it just that I am doing what I think I "should" be doing?  What is it?

Lately I have been running into some issues in my professional life that have caused me to question this exact thing.  If you are wondering, I am in sales and it is obvious that to a large extent money motivates me.  It isn't the number one priority in my life, but in order to be a successful sales person it has to be pretty far up on the list.  For me I don't think it is just the money but more, the feeling of success, pride in work, reassurance of doing a good job AND money.  A few things that have happened lately in my "career life" have called all of these things into question and so for just a minute in order to get my life priorities straight I wanted to reflect on this question in conjunction with my overall life.

As I sit here and write this I am not sure I know the full answer.  Let's start by applying this to infertility.  What is motivating me to push through all bullshit that infertility treatment brings, the pain, the ups and downs, the financial struggles, the relationship ups and downs?  I really want to focus on my true desire for the outcome of this before I take the leap of IVF.  Is it the actual fact of being pregnant, being a mom, having a baby, passing along my genetics, passing along my values and morals, seeing my husband be a father?  I really can't just pinpoint one thing in this situation either.  The truth is I could go through IVF and the end result could be that NONE of this comes through.  I could end up still not being pregnant, not being a mom, not having a baby, no passing of genes or values or ANYTHING.  I could just be back where I started from.

So what does that mean?  My answer is HOPE.  Hope is the only thing I can really pinpoint as my motivation that all these mini-motivators will come true.  So here I am back at the drawing board, back to where I started over 3 years ago when we decided we wanted to have a baby.  There is no certainty, but only hope.


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