Monday, January 23, 2012

What if...?

In my effort to stay positive and keep up with Goal 12 for 2012 I have started to think a lot about.."What if...?" in regards to our IUI treatment next month.  I have spent a lot of time and effort trying to NOT THINK about it because it only drives me crazy and makes me worry and sad, but lately I have been trying to focus on the possiblities of the treatment working.  (Not in the hyper-excited THIS WILL FOR SURE WORK, but more in the meditative, deep breathing positive thinking way.)

Over the weekend a dear friend reminded me that "God only gives us what we can handle."  I believe this whole heartedly, but I am really starting to wonder how much more of this I can really handle.  How much longer can I be strong?  It is just taking over so much of my life emotionally, physically and financially.  I know there are so many people out there that go through so much more and in the grand scheme of things I am so lucky to have my health and family, ect.  but on a personal level I feel like I am starting to burn out.

I feel so emotionally weak and wonder how much more of this I can continue to put myself through.  I've barely even gotten started with treatment possiblities and already I feel completely broken down.  The only thing getting me through right now is that little voice in the back of my head saying "what if...?"  What if this is the month that it happens.  What if this is the right treatment that will work.  What if I can one day look into the eyes of my beautiful baby as he/she smiles and get to say you were worth it.

What if...?


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