Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Feeling A Little Anxiety About Upcoming Procedure

Okay so I knew that this was coming...this "anxiety" about my upcoming laparoscopy on September 19th.   For whatever reason it hit me this Sunday as I was having a great time with my friends at a water park in Wisconsin Dells.  I looked down at my stomach and thought.."oh..next summer there will be a scar there."  Then I began to think about the specifics, being put under, the incision into my mid-section, the scope going in.  What if they go in and don't find anything!??  What will I do?  Why oh why did I have to start thinking about this already!?  This is how my mind works.

Lately, I have had a few people - (my therapist, my boss and my husband) say that I need to focus on the here and now, the day to day.  I need to give the BIG PICTURE a break and look at what I am doing now, but I am not programmed that way.   I like to think 5 steps ahead of where I am at and for our specific circumstance which I have no control of (infertility) I am not able to think that way.   I guess the only thing I can do is try to create some short term goals each month (anyone read the "Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin? similar idea to what she does).  

So...starting in September I am hoping to do just that, "Goals for September".  I will create 5 specific attainable goals for myself and share them with you here on my blog.  At the start of the new month I will go back and give you my progress report and my new goals for the following month.  I am going to keep them in a little notebook/journal that I will keep with me in my purse and when I start getting anxious about the future, I can refer to my 5 goals.  My 5 things that I will be able to control.  See you in September!

Julie

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Picking Myself Up Again

It has been a pretty difficult week, (month, year???) and it is time once again for me to pick myself up, stop being sad and lazy all the time and start eating right.  My surgery is scheduled for September 19th for my laparoscopy (exactly 30 days from yesterday) and I want to be as healthy as possible so I can heal as quickly as possible.  At least that is my own personal thought.

With some encouragement from my sister-in-law telling me about her own fitness goals I decided I needed to get myself going to.  I am going to try a little different approach from my usual gym, run, gym routine and try two things.

1. www.myfitnesspal.com - track food/calories and exercise (want to be my friend? gossja23)
2. 30 Day Shred - by Jillian Michaels (Biggest Loser Trainer) workout DVD

I've heard of a lot of people using this DVD to get a kick start on getting fit and losing some weight.  I don't plan on losing 20 pounds (I think that might be a gimmick) but just to shake things up a little bit from my normal workouts.  Wish me luck!  I took a before picture (very unpleasant) and if I do see any results I will post a before and after when I am done.

Julie

Monday, August 20, 2012

Coping with a different kind of pain

Last week I got a call that my Grandpa (on my Mom's side) was not doing very well and that I should come to visit.  So my husband and I went over to the house right away and got to spend some time with my grandpa.  He was on pain medication so he slept most of the time, but would wake up from time to time to say he was "doing okay" and to say he had "such great kids".  I brought my guitar along and played him one of his favorite songs "Silent Night".  We left for the evening and when we came back the next day his condition has gotten worse. 

Surrounded by family and friends he passed on to heaven around 10:55 Wednesday night.  I had left to go home around 9:00 and got the call at home.  The next morning we woke up to a storm with loud crashes of thunder and lightning.  I knew that Grandpa had made is safely up to heaven and the party was already well under way.  It would have been his mother's birthday that day and we were all so happy he got to spend it with her.

There aren't enough words to describe what a wonderful man my Grandpa was.  Everyone who knew him adored him, but at the same time he was one of the most humble people I know.  He was a hard worker and he had a strong faith.  He lived his life to the fullest and left this world with no regrets.  I was lucky to be able to have him in my life the past 28 years.  Amost all of my favorite memories I have growing up always included Grandpa and Grandma.  A lot of my interest in gardening came from helping out in grandma and grandpas garden when I was young.  The past days have been very tough coping with this loss, but in the end we all know that he is in a better place. In the last line of Silent Night I find to be so fitting, "sleep in heavenly peace" Grandpa.


Julie

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Staying Positive When I Feel Negative

There is nothing worse than feeling "negative Nancy" when there are so many wonderful things going on.  However, sometimes you can't help how you feel. This darn IF crap has me questioning everything about my life and it is making me miserable.  Therefore this post is going to be a positive post about a few happy moments from the weekend to remind me of the good things I do have.

As I had mentioned we had our annual up north gathering this weekend "Suhrfest" and as the cliche goes, "It was the best Suhrfest ever."  (Every year is the best Suhrfest ever.)  In addition to spending time with friends and family I finally got to spend some QT with the Mr.


I was able to perform my first "live" concert to the audience of family and friends along with my cousin who is a very skilled guitar player and made everything sound amazing!  We played "Margaritaville" and "Mary Jane's Last Dance".  How cool do we look!  We even had a spotlight that we had been using to light up our bean bag boards!


Not only did my friend Laci and I get to enjoy some delicious ice cream, we got to see two gigantic fields of beautiful sunflowers!  Here is an instagram photo of it!


My spastic puppy (she will be 2 years old in a couple weeks) finally tired out after running around outside, swimming and playing with the other dogs.  I didn't think there was ever an end to her energy.


Last but not least, we are going to be going to the Packer Pre-Season game this Thursday!  I have been to Lambeau Field, but never been to a game.  I'm sooooooooooo excited!  We also have a friend's wedding this weekend that should be a lot of fun.


So anyways, I think all this waiting around for surgery (laparoscopy) and the continued (constant) stress of IF has the blues kicking in right now.  There is plenty for me to be happy about, but I just needed to remind myself of that!

Julie

Monday, August 6, 2012

One thing leads...

A new week leads to a new set of problems.  WTF!!??  Let me start by saying I haven't seen a "family" doctor apparently since I have been married.  That is over 3 years now.  It helped me remember that I AM a healthy person despite all the doctors visits lately due to IF.  I had to give my maiden name for them to pull my name up in the system.  Why you may ask was I making an appointment?  I have been having terrible stomach problems over the last week.  This is kind of an ongoing problem, but got really severe over the weekend. 

Basically what happens is I eat something and either it agrees (no burning stomach ache) or doesn't and I get a terrible nauseousness that turns into burning in my stomach.  This was not happening that often before and suddenly last week it started happening with every single meal.  This weekend the pain lasted an entire day so I decided it was time to set up an appointment.  I can only wonder if all this is related to each other or not, but since it is all in the general area I can't help but think it is or perhaps just related to the STRESS caused by the infertility. I guess I will find out on Thursday. 

Other infertility related news, (may be TMI for some...so stop reading if needed) I am currently on CD23 and still have yet to ovulate this month.  Granted last month was a medicated cycle, but the entire cycle was only 28 days.  I did finally get a + OPK today, but the signs have been around for 8 days now.  This is starting to drive me crazy! (er).  Even if I do ovulate today the shortest this cycle will be is probably around 35-36 days IF my luteal is only 12-13 days.  I don't know if it is from the possible cysts leftover from last cycle or what is going on.  Needless to say I am not liking what is going on with all this.

Last news item.  I went in for an AMH test on Friday.  They just draw blood for this test.  (Took them two tries :(...) I will find out in a week what the result is.  UPDATED SEE BELOW The test tells you from a fertility point of view if I am actually 28 or more like 45 because the test will tell you about how many eggs you have left or your ovarian reserve. 

Thankfully this is a short week for me and we will be going up to the family cabin this weekend to spend some time with friends and family for our annual "Suhrfest".  It is always a blast!

Julie

UPDATED*************FROM THE DOCTORS OFFICE:

Hi Julie,
your AMH value is really good, no worries about premature menopause, the number is quite high!